Dr. Naysay's Nay of the Day

Dr. Naysay Tackles The Healthcare Debate (or... My Family Is A Bunch Of Assholes)

2009-09-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of opinions on a lot of things. You might even say I'm opinionated.

One thing I have no opinion on is the current debate on Healthcare. I just have no idea what to make of any of it. I'm not a doctor. I'm not in the healthcare industry. I'm not an economist and the United States Budget has so much money going so many different places that I would never be so pretentious as to assume that I truly understood the ramifications of implementing the changes that are being discussed.

What I do have an opinion on is my asshole family.

I have a pretty sizeable family and I have to admit I haven't talked to ALL of them about this topic... but all of the ones that I have talked to about it all assumed the same thing...

...that because I don't currently HAVE Health Insurance I would automatically favor the plan Barack Obama is suggesting.

I hate to get up on Mount Pious (shout out to Dameshek for the phrase) but....

how DARE you accuse me of being so base and so cynical??? I take the wellbeing of my adopted (have I mentioned that I was born in Canada? What? I have? Oh... ) country VERY seriously. I can recall screaming bloody murder at a friend of mine because he was voting on an issue he didn't care about just to please his girlfriend. She went on to be his wife... and then ex-wife... and yet he can't take back that vote... and now none of us can kill horses in California for the purpose of human consumption.

Thanks Dave!

I'm appalled at how callously people view there role in the great social experiment that is the great nation we live in. Voting just to fix whatever momentary deficit you may have in your own life is an awful waste of your voice. When and if I ever figure out what my feelings on the healthcare issue are you be sure I won't be putting my gains ahead of what I think it best for the country. Call me crazy... call me an idealist... call me a liar if you must... but always looking out for #1 is no way to live your life and no way to cast your vote.

Shame on my family.

Assholes!

The Summer of Rage

2009-09-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

Wow.

I haven't written one of these in far too long. As I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday I realized just how much I needed this little navel gazing excercise as an outlet for my frustration at the absurdly innocuous things that completely piss me off. I'm pretty rusty so bear with me... all two of you who still get automatic updates when I write something.

I would probably go insane without my iPod. Since it's come into my life I've allowed it to completely take over. I listen to it at work, I listen to it while I walk the dog... I'm starting to find things to do just so I can listen to my iPod.

What I don't do is go and hang out at coffee shops with my pajamas on, my headphones in and my favorite book in my lap. Know why?

Because I'm not an ASSHOLE!

If you want to block out the world and just dissapear into your own comfy little hidey hole to enjoy your coffe, music and book... THEN STAY AT HOME! Other wise take your goddamn

headphones out and interact with the world a little.

Oh and don't be that guy that's studying up on his Tort Law at 9am on a Sunday morning at the local Starbucks. Now I feel like an asshole because I've got kids running around and generally being kids in public but I can see that you're feverishly pouring over Statutes of Limitation and Zoning and what not. Got a big test coming up that may determine the rest of your career? GO TO THE LIBRARY!!! Quit hogging the comfy chair!

I can remember walking up to a DMV at one point (I had an appointment... I don't just cruise the

DMVs) and I saw an attractive young lady reading a book that I had quite enjoyed (Ishamael by Daniel Quinn). So I walked up to her and struck up a conversation. If she had been listening to her iPod I would never have been able to do that! Now... because I'm so smooth and have tons of game I never got her number or found out her name and never saw her again... but that's really not the point.

Like I said before.... I can't imagine living without my iPod now that I have it... but I keep one ear open if I'm out in the world. I don't want to get hit by a car, or pulled over or miss Salma Hayek telling me that she never thought she could find true love until she gazed upon me heavenly features.

Which brings me to another thing...

Who the fuck over the age of 19 still watched MTV??? I'm reading the LA Times today (and my facebook page.... I want to punch myself in the facebook) and people are all a twitter (no... not the web service) about Kanye and what he did and oh my gosh the scandal of it all!!!

WHO GIVES A SHIT???

It's Kanye West!!! It's MTV!!! It was probably staged and if it wasn't... I..... bu.....

WHO CARES???

I don't have any experience in the Music Video making industry... but I have to imagine it's a fairly labor intensive endeavor and I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that Kanye, Beyonce and Taylor Swift had about jack shit to do with making the videos as impressive as they are these days. But they're the ones who stand up and preen and..... god damn I am getting old.

OH AND ANOTHER THING....

If you work for the Government of the United States of America... in the Federal Building... handing out Passports...

Take your piercings out before you come to work. The last thing I need after wasting a day sitting around and waiting on your ass is for you to give me an attitude with eight lips rings and an eyebrow piercing. Honestly.

Long Beach vs. Assholes

2009-02-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

The Long Beach City Council is voting today on a measure that would allow smoking in cigar lounges and hookah bars.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-long-beach-smoking3-2009feb03,0,1425777.story

Predictably the anti-smoking lobby is apoplectic about this.

"If this ordinance passes," said Steven Gallegos, a spokesman for the lung association, "other cities throughout Los Angeles County will look at Long Beach and say, 'If they did it, we can too. Public health be damned.' "

OH NO!!! ACK ACK PUBLIC HEALTH ACK ACK!!!

This is bullshit.

There are thousands of health risks in Long Beach. A transit mall, an airport, gangs, hundreds if not thousands of bars..... life is dangerous. This endless quest to outlaw anything and everything that may pose a threat to anybody has to stop and I was stunned to see that Long Beach might actually be moving in the direction of moderation and common sense.

I Hate The Vatican

2009-02-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

"The Vatican announced the Rev. Gerhard Maria Wagner, 54, had been chosen as auxiliary bishop in Linz, the capital of Upper Austria province.

Wagner caused a stir in 2005 when he was quoted as saying he was convinced that the death and destruction of Hurricane Katrina was "divine retribution" for tolerance of homosexuals and laid-back sexual attitudes in New Orleans." (Telegraph.co.uk)

I'd like to know which cities were destroyed as a result of all the kid diddling done by Catholic Priests. When does the Almighty God show up and wipe out Vatican City as divine retribution for all the money they've stolen and all the lives they've ruined over the last 2000 years?

Upper Austrian priest and church dean Franz Wild was "appalled" and Upper Austria Governor Josef Puehringer suggested that "the pick suggests the Vatican does not have a realistic picture of the diocese."

What's that you say? He's not the only controversial Bishop in the news right now?

That's right. The Vatican has lifted the excommunication of Richard Nelson Williamson after 21 years. In November of 2008 during an appearance on Sweden's SVT television channel he said

"I believe there were no gas chambers ... I think that 200,000 to 300,000 Jews perished in Nazi concentration camps but none of them by gas chambers,"

and then

"There was not one Jew killed by the gas chambers. It was all lies, lies, lies!"

What a charming pair.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Nuts to you, Pope!

Crazy Fucking Bitches Are Ruining The World

2009-01-31T23:40:00.000-08:00

Drew Peterson is engaged. If the wedding actually happens it will be Petersons fifth wife.

His fourth wife is missing and presumed dead.
His third wife drowned in the bathtub.
His second wife, Vicki Connolly, claims that during their marriage an increasingly controlling Peterson told her he could kill her and make it look like an accident.

No charges have been brought against him despite the fact that every law enforcement agency on the planet seems to think it's fairly obvious that he's guilty as sin. The guy appears to be some kind of evil genius when it comes to covering up murder and abuse.

What I'm far more interested in is the fact that the woman who agreed to marry him despite all this gets to vote.

I would never suggest any kind of test be required for people to vote but I'm pissed off that this crazy fucking bitch gets a vote that's equal to mine. How insane and out of touch with reality does this woman have to be to marry this guy? AND SHE GETS TO VOTE ON EVERYTHING!

She gets to drive a car, she gets to have kids, she gets to live her life (until Peterson kills her) as if she's a perfectly sane and responsible adult. The kicker is.... she has TWO KIDS!!!

She's not only a fucking lunatic she's also a horrible mother.

What the hell ladies? What happens to you that you want to marry an obvious wife killer like this? What makes you want to have 14 kids under the age of 7 even though you've already declared for bankruptcy and you live with your parents?

WHAT THE HELL AMERICA???

8 is more than enough

2009-01-30T15:36:00.000-08:00

We all know about the woman who recently "gave birth" (had her belly split open so they wouldn't all die) to 8 children. We spent a few days wondering if she benefited from any kind of fertility treatment, octuplets being so damn common these days, and now we find out that she has SIX OTHER CHILDREN ALREADY! They range in age from 2 - 7 according to the LA Times.

This women now has 14 kids under the age of 7.

This family should receive no financial help from the government. She had the option of "selective reduction" and refused it. So nuts to her and nuts to her crazy ass family.

I'm loathe to encourage more government involvement in the personal lives of it's citizens but this kind of thing should be illegal. The doctors who helped her achieve this insane accomplishment should be stripped of their license to practice medicine. This is just retarded in every way.

The NFL has lost it's damn mind.

2008-12-25T00:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptcsOWSZsLA&feature=related

Wes Welker was fined $10,000 for making a snow angel after a touchdown?!

What the hell is wrong with the NFL? They make buttloads of cash and are the uncontested king of the sports landscape. What possible reason could they have for trying to prevent their players from appearing human? Why would they continue to try and alienate the players from kids?

Fuck the NFL.

Merry Christmas.

Don't Let Anybody Take Your Picture Ever

2008-12-24T09:51:00.001-08:00

I've never been much of a photo taker. I've never really understood the need to chronicle every moment in life. I have photo albums but I almost never look through them and when I do I'm usually just mortified at the clothes I was wearing, the weight I had on or the ridiculousness of my beard.

But now I have a reason to actually despise having my picture taken.

Facebook.

Maybe this is just the lament of the bald and overweight but I can't help but shudder every time I get the notice "You've been tagged".

The notion of privacy is truly dying. Any time you go to a party, any time you walk out your front door, any time you're anywhere near anyone with a cell phone... you're at risk of having your photo snapped and put on the web.

I know I sound like a paranoid old coot... but it's the holidays. What would Christmas be without a little anxiety?
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Also...

It seems as if you can give away your daughter to settle your debts in Saudi Arabia.

Gross.

Taking It Back!

2008-12-18T18:45:00.000-08:00

By now I'm sure you've heard the sad story of little Adolph Hitler Campbell. If not here's the story.

No Cake For Adolph

I've got just one thing to say about this story.

Fuck you ShopRite.

Who are you to deny a little kid a birthday cake with his name on it? Honestly. What did they hope to accomplish by punishing these idiots? The kid already has the name. He's having a party. Obviously any of the kids invited to the party know his name. Even if they didn't know "Hitler" was his middle name... how many kids are named Adolph and have dads with Nazi tatoos???

Or were they hoping to protect themselves from complaints from other customers? I understand that companies have the right to protect themselves from controversy at some point but the kids name is Adolph Hitler! What can you do? Fine... maybe they don't have to make swastika cupcakes for the family or cookies shaped like the Eagle of the Third Reich but to refuse to print the kids name is ridiculous. What if some poor kid was named Rosie O'Donnell? Would they refuse to make her a cake too? And yes, yes I am comparing Rosie O'Donnell to the death of millions of innocent people.

At the end of the day they went to Wal-Mart and had the cake made there. Wouldn't you know it? Now people have another reason to hate Wal-Mart. This is just continuing the already dangerous trend of people being desperate not to offend anyone. At some level I'm almost proud of the Nazi asshole who chose to name his kids Adolph Hitler and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation... almost. Not quite tho. I mean fuck... who names their kid Adolph Hitler???

Affirmitive Irony

2008-12-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

The appointment of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State leaves her seat, as junior senator from New York, vacant. Caroline Kennedy wants it so much that "She has also hired Knickerbocker SKD, a prominent political consulting firm headed by Josh Isay, a former chief of staff to Senator Charles E. Schumer, to advise her."(NY Times)

There are only 100 seats in the US Senate and this one may wind up going to a "Legacy". How on earth is that in the spirit of our supposed "meritocracy?" Surely there are numerous candidates that are just as capable and deserving, if not more so, than Ms. Kennedy. Surely in the spirit of "Change" the country would be served by the emergence of new voices and new faces.

I've griped before about the "fame" of people like Kelly & Jack Osbourne and Ashlee Simpson, children or siblings of celebrities who parlay the convenience of their birth into careers of their own, but this is taking that trend to dangerous levels. I'm not naive enough to suppose that nepotism hasn't existed in the US Government to this point, but this is the Senate and it's 2008. In light of all the nonsense coming out of Illinois shouldn't people know better?

This is not to say that she should never be allowed to serve. If elected by the people of New York I'm sure she would be perfectly capable of doing to job or at least of surrounding herself with support staff talented enough to do the job. My objection is the "anointing" process. The election rate of incumbent Senators over the last 26 years ranges from 79% to 96%. Handing Ms. Kennedy this seat would almost ensure the continuation of the Kennedy dynasty.

Given that the legacy of the Kennedy family is the work they did to promote Civil Rights I think it would be in particularly poor taste to name Ms. Kennedy as Mrs. Clinton's replacement.

The Day My Brain Stood Still (brought to you by Windows, McDonalds, LG phones and Coca-Cola)

2008-12-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

I just saw The Day The Earth Stood Still. Starring Keanu Reeves and my girlfriend Jennifer Connelly. I didn't pay for my ticket and I still want my money back.

Everybody's Favorite Google Employee will tell you that I'm just looking for reasons to complain. He'll tell you that this "film" wasn't as bad as Small Soldiers. Well he's a lying liar who lies. This movie was terrible and I suspect that the people who made it knew it would be terrible. Why else would they have insisted on product placement so blatantly and frequently? I actually expected to see Ronald McDonald asking Bill Gates if he could borrow his new LG Phone while drinking a Coke.

Years ago I made a rule never to see any movie where the plot turned on the words or actions of small children or animals. I can't remember when exactly I started ignoring my better judgment but it would have come in handy here. The moment this film turns on was so obnoxious I almost couldn't believe it.

Keanu Reeves is an alien representing a collection of civilizations who have decided that the threat Humans pose to The Earth is so great that we have to be eliminated. These civilizations have not only masterd interstellar travel but also display a wide array of other technological mastery that it seems they can do anything. Except win an argument with Monty Python. John Cleese, a nobel prize winner for Biological Altruism (which doesn't exist and is just patently pretentious), manages to expose the plot hole in the movie during the two minutes he's actually in it. If you weren't paying attention you might have missed the fact that the screenplay actually explains to the viewer why it's retarded.

Reeves says were on the brink of disaster. Cleese pleads with the alien to give Humans a chance to change our ways. He argues that it is only when people (or aliens, anecdotally... ) are on the precipice of dissaster that they can really redeem themselves.

MOMENTS later Keanu saves the kid in the flick from falling of a bridge into a river. A literal precipice. It's in that moment... saved from the brink of disaster... that the kid changes his mind and decides that the Alien shouldn't be killed and in fact might be ok afterall.

After that... well shit... Keanu takes him to see his dead dad's grave, he cries a little bit (the kid... keanu still doesn't know how to show emotion) and viola!!!! Humanity is saved! Altho it's implied that the cost is technology. No more boats, cars, phones, missisles, sattelites, lights etc.

I'd rather let the swarm of tiny matter eating bugs that's heading "everywhere" (what kind of answer is that?) eat me than live in a world like that. OK that's not true... but I might choose death over watching that movie again.

7/24/08 - Bong Hits 4 Talula Does The Hula

2008-07-24T20:36:00.001-07:00

Recently my father became somewhat agitated over a news story out of Canada where a young girl had been taken away from her family because her parents had drawn swastikas and other White Supremacist symbols on her and sent her to school.

The parents were allegedly drug abusers and there were other complicating factors that might have justified the Canadian Governments interference.

It seems that New Zealand has set the bar for "child abuse" a tad low.

A nine year old girl was made the ward of the court in order that she be able to change the name her parents gave her......

Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

A Kiwi Justice decided that name was just too horrible to live with for another 9 years.

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," he wrote. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

I know that we all roll our eyes when we hear the names celebrities give their children. Moon Unit, Pilot Inspector, Apple, Scout and Rumor leap immediately to mind but are we really ready to accept a world where naming your child is enough to have you labeled an unfit parent? Would life really be so terrible if your name was Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii? I knew plenty of kids growing up with perfectly normal names that had all manner of horrible nicknames stuck to them for years. In fact I knew a kid who simply went as BELCH.

This is Government interference at it's most appalling and gratuitous and of course plenty will simply smile and say "well come on... it's an absurd name... those parents SHOULD be punished". Well what happened to your kid hating you being a fit punishment? Why the rush to make everything a matter for the courts? Why set precedents and hand out power where previously there was none?

------------------------------------

An a totally unrelated note.... the kids with the Bong Hits 4 Jesus banner are going back to court.

This is just completely inexcusable. The Supreme Court upheld the schools right to suspend the kids for the Bong Hits 4 Jesus banner.

This isn't a freedom of speech issue, this isn't a censorship issue, this is just some asshole kids and their asshole parents with too much time, money and balls on their hands.

4/22/08 - The National Anthem is stupid

2008-04-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Quater-Finals of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Washington Capitals vs. Philadelphia Flyers

In Washington DC

As usual the game is preceded by the singing of The National Anthem. Now... the fact that this is an NHL game and that the majority of the players are probably from Canada could be reason enough to question this tradition... but in this series in particular it would be an even better issue.

The real reason anybody is watching this series (and the player the NHL would undoubtedly love to see advance) is Russian born Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals. Additionally Christobal Huet (the starting goalie for the Caps) was born in France and of course there is the requisite mix of Fins, Swedes, Czhecs and Slovaks that you would expect to find sprinkled in amongst the two teams. In fact between the two teams there are only four or five American born players.

So why keep with this absurd tradition? What has a sporting event to do with Patriotism? I tried to find the origin of the tradition and it seems the World War Two was when it started. I say it's time to put this to rest.

I realize it will never happen. The owners and commissioners of the professional sports leagues would never risk the ridiculous backlash from idiotic fans that would perceive it as some kind of unpatriotic slight to this great nation of ours. Which is a shame. It would be nice if patriotism were a thought out display of love for country. Instead more often than not it's a mindless display like a flag pin in your lapel or taking a day off because the calendar says it's time to love your country.

I guess there's just too much money in false patriotism.

4/21/08 - You may be crazy... but I'm not stupid.

2008-04-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure almost everybody has heard of "the first pregnant man". I'm also sure that everyone has heard that she's not actually a man. She's had chest reconstruction surgery and was on twice a week hormone treatment. She stopped the hormone treatment in order to have the child with her wife.

Now... I respect that "Thomas Beatie" is fucking crazy... but why does that mean that the rest of the world has to play along?

Other than constantly being injected with hormones and having a double mastectomy what qualifies this woman as being a "man"? Gender identity may be a complex and personal construct but at the end of the day if you're a human being and you're carrying a baby to term... you're a WOMAN. In fact I fail to see what gender identity has to do with anything.

I am aware that the degrees of biological gender are incredibly varied and that at some level it is foolish to see the world of gender as exclusively "male/female". What we're dealing with here isn't an issue of ambiguous biological gender. What we're dealing with is an individual who's mental image of themselves is completely and utterly out of sync with the reality of their situation. The fact that medical science has progressed to the point it has should in no way distract from the fact that "Thomas Beatie" suffers from profound mental issues.

I have been called "cruel" (and worse) for my position on this topic but I refuse to believe that subjecting oneself to unnecessary surgery and twice a week injections represents a "healthy" or "balanced" individual. If I ever had the opportunity to meet "Thomas Beatie" I would never be so cruel or crass as to deny her the title she chose... but that doesn't mean that I think she's a man and it doesn't mean that she is.

12/26/07 - Shame On You, David Kelly

2007-12-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't need to make it to the middle of the article to know that it was an irresponsible piece of utter pap but I found my proof in the form of a paragraph consisting of only one sentence.

"Perez is a believer but also a skeptic."

The "Perez" in question is Daniel Perez. The article was on the front page of the "California" section of this mornings Los Angeles Times. A photo of Perez appears above the story headline. Clearly crazy-eyed, Mr. Perez is the curator, director and occupant of The Center For Bigfoot Studies. This 44 year old nut jobber electrician actually LIVES in a place he calls The Center For Bigfoot Studies.

Here's all there is to study about Bigfoot.

It doesn't exist. Class dismissed.

Clearly that's not good enough for the good folks at the Los Angeles Times who must be so desperate to sell papers that in 2007 they will print a sympathetic story about a complete and utter lunatic. The story offers no new evidence or compelling additions to "The Bigfoot Story". It's simply an ode to one mans lonely search for a childhood dream.

A trained psychologist would have a field day dissecting quotes from Mr. Perez regarding the blossoming of his fascination with the mythical beast. His own father is quoted in the story as being an ardent non-believer.

I don't know if Mr. Kelley lacks objectivity in his personal life but this article is completely devoid.

The whole damn thing is summed up in the final sentence that offers all the reasoning you would need NOT to print the article.

"A lot of early researchers thought we would solve the mystery in a few years, but we haven't," he said. "I can't prove Bigfoot exists, but either someone has been fabricating tracks for over a hundred years or there is a real animal out there."

In the words of my 10 year old sister.

Duh.

Frequently you will hear arguments that car chases, shooting sprees or terrorist attacks shouldn't receive the media attention they get because the coverage will only spur on future incidents. This is that same principle in action. There is nothing newsworthy about Mr. Perez and his life long dementia. Telling his story does nothing but encourage people like him and potentially hoodwink uninformed readers.

Shame on David Kelly, shame on the Los Angeles Times and shame on all of us for not demanding that "the press" live up to higher standards.

12/20/07 - Holiday Cheer

2007-12-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

Stop saying Happy Channukah.

It's over.

You wouldn't say Merry Christmas to someone on January 2nd would you?

I get that there were one or two cranky Jews somewhere that bitched and whined long enough that you think you need to include Channukah in everything but you really don't.

Trust me... if there's one thing Jews know... it's OTHER Jews and we're certainly not walking around wishing each other Merry Christmas. So please... don't worry about it. We're taken care of and it's really just kind of insulting at this point.

I know you think you mean well but you can just say Merry Christmas. We know what you mean and when you say Happy Channukah weeks after Channukah has ended it just shows that you don't REALLY know or care about it... and you SHOULDN'T. If it weren't for the fact that it falls close to Christmas you probably wouldn't have ever heard of it.

Ever heard of Tu Bishvat? Or Simchat Torah?

How about Shavout?

Tisha B'Av?

And far be it for me to tell people how to celebrate their religions... but I'd like to see a new religion started with Christmas (the non-Jesus version) as the Godhead. With Santa and Frosty as prophets or saints.

It seems to me that most people could care less about the religious implications of Christmas but if you suggest that perhaps they not celebrate it they flip out on the order of an Islamic Fundamentalist attending a butt sex convention at Club Hedonism.

What's the deal people? You're celebrating the birth of The Son Of God... not some cute secular "hallmark holiday". If that's what you want to celebrate then start giving out the presents on a different day or something and for GOD'S sake stop calling it CHRISTmas.

12/19/07 - Chad Farnan Fans

2007-12-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

So...

wow.

I didn't really expect anybody to actually read that entry but I guess I'm thrilled people did.

I've been dog sitting for the last 5 days so allow me to rebut my detractors...

Suck it.

The reason I didn't go into greater detail or fully explain my thoughts on the matter is because anybody that bothers to read the comments listed in the lawsuit should be able to PLAINLY see why Mr. Farnan desperately needs to comb all the sand out of his vagina.

12/14/07 - Chad Farnan Is A Douche and His Parents Are Evil

2007-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

ESPN has a new gimmick. They're looking for (and designating) what and who is "Next" in the world of sports. It's a fairly lame idea from a company that excels in producing and marketing "lame."

But for today... I'll play along.

I'm here to show you who's "Next" in the world of Grade A World Class Douche Bags

Chad Fornan

This piece of Orange County shit hails from San Juan Capistrano and attends Capistrano Valley High School where he is enrolled in Dr. James Corbett's Advanced Placement European History class.

Recently this little fucking twit and his parents filed a FEDERAL lawsuit claiming that Dr. Corbett violated his Constitutional Rights. How does a High School history teacher pull off such a feat you might ask?

By allegedly making statements that Mr. Farnan (and his evil parents) feel "make religious students feel like second class citizens."

Now before you go rushing to the defense of Religious folk... check out the actual claim by clicking the word "bullshit" below.

BULLSHIT

You can read exactly what Dr. Corbett said to upset the despicable Farnan and his horrible bitch mother starting on page 4 with line 10.

I took AP European History more than 10 years ago. I didn't much care for the man that taught the class (sorry Mr. Meckna). I passed the AP test and even signed up for AP Comparative World Government the following year taught by the SAME teacher that I didn't care for. I thought he was a cornball and a bit of a dip and while I can't remember every little thing he did or said that I disagreed with it never once occurred to me to lodge a complaint and I certainly never would have DREAMED of suing anybody over it.

The statements Dr. Corbett made were beyond innocuous. They may dwell in the realm of personal opinions from time to time but this is an Advanced Placement European History class. This class is meant to prepare students for a test that (if they pass) will exempt them from having to take a college course in European History. The history of Europe is crucial to any kind of meaningful understanding of American History and a mature and nuanced understanding of American History SHOULD be of paramount concern to anyone interested in educational matters.

Of course the villainous Farnans and their legal representatives the loathsome Advocates For Faith and Freedom aren't interested in any of that. They completely ignore the fact that Dr. Corbett routinely generates a pass rate on the AP Euro History test higher than the national average. Or the fact that Chad Farnan is accused by fellow classmates of being asleep in class all the time.

No the only thing these festering ass sores care about is perpetuating the myth that Christianity is under attack in this nation. Despite the fact that the President of the United States is an unabashed born again Evangelical and that more than %80 of the country describes themselves as Christian.

So much for turning the other cheek.

12/13/07 - Latter Day SAINTS?!

2007-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

What happens to a persons (allegedly) immortal (allegedly existent) soul after death is a subject of much (and frequently violent) debate. Whether you believe in reincarnation or an eternity of punishment/reward based on your time on Earth most people have at least given it a passing thought.

Mike Huckabee recently apologized to Mitt Romney for a comment he made that will be printed in an upcoming interview in the New York Times Magazine.

Huckabee is quoted as saying "Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers?" He also stated that he thought is it was a religion and not a cult but admitted that he didn't know much about it.

On what planet do you need to apologize for asking a question about something you know nothing about? These men are in the running for The President of the United States of America. All we hear from them is how faith shouldn't be an issue in discussing their suitability to hold the office.

Well excuse the fuck out of me for wanting "The Leader Of The Free World" to be a little bit tough when it comes to examining his qualifications.

Religion can play a huge part in any individuals life and while I won't succumb to the kind of anti-papist rhetoric that dogged President Kennedy during his campaign I will point out that there are plenty of people that DO think The Latter Day Saints are a cult.

Do YOU want a President that belongs to a cult? I don't.

Of course that brings up the issue of differentiating between a cult and a religion. President Bush is solid enough evidence that "the people" don't mind electing a religiously confident man. Bush has claimed on multiple occasions that God has spoken to him or that he knows what God's plan is.

So why should a person's faith be off limits? Why do we automatically take people at their words that they are people of faith?

There are a handful of definitions for the term "cult" and most of them are interchangeable with "religion". In fact my mother (a religious studies professor) has a bumper sticker on her office door proclaiming that "Religions are just Cults with more members." So what's really happening here is these politicians are just protecting their own theological pandering from attack.

By most counts more than %80 of Americans consider themselves Christians in one form or another. That's a huge majority of people publicly stating that they are "people of faith." It is in no way a referendum on their moral fiber or intellectual efficacy.

I would love to see individual faith be an open subject of discussion for politicians but of course that means threatening to reveal and hash out all the minor inconsistencies between every brand of Christianity that exists in this nation.

While I don't consider myself any kind of expert on the Latter Day Saints or their practices or organization, they are a relatively young "chapter" in the umbrella of Christian sects and all my personal experience with Mormons has shown them to be a particularly devoted group. They're well known for their "missionary" work and door to door proselytizing. They're devotion to the dietary and fashion mandates handed down by their multiple Quorums (and other authorities) is equally well known. Certainly they are not the only religion to observe dietary restrictions but they are the most well organized and they hold to their ranks with fervent loyalty.

Especially given that Brigham young was a murderer and Joseph Smith was a lunatic, a liar or both.

See Huckabee? It's not so hard.

12/12/07 - Feng Shui For Monkeys

2007-12-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

So I'm about ten months late to this particular story but the sheer ridiculousness of it will never really go away.

The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4,500 to a Feng Shui "expert" so that three endangered golden monkeys can have a "strong life force".

The Los Angeles Zoo.

Owned and operated by the City of Los Angeles.

In fact in 1997 the Zoo became it's own City Department.

They paid $4,500 on magic furniture movers to make sure that monkeys from the other side of the world have good joojoo.

Is Feng Shui even supposed to work for Monkeys? Has there been any kind of conclusive research done on simian Shui? Guessing by this quote from Simona Mainini (the charlatain they paid to Feng the monkey house) the answer is probably not.

"It's very experimental," Mainini said. "We don't have any books on feng shui for monkeys. We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

So... a city department paid an "expert" in a made up practice to do something that may not have worked even if it wasn't nonsense to begin with. I like to think that Zoos are run by people that aren't easily duped by any joker off the street.

Sadly... it appears I was wrong.

12/11/07 - Lunatics

2007-12-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

"The word lunatic is borrowed from Latin "lunaticus", which gains its stem from "luna" for moon, which denotes the traditional link made in folklore between madness and the phases of the moon. This probably refers to the symptoms of cyclic mood disorders such as bipolar disorder or cyclothymia, the symptoms of which may also go through phases. As yet there is little evidence for any causal link between phases of the moon and the progression of mood disorder symptoms."

Richard Chapin is either a complete freaking lunatic or an asshole working one incredibly long con.

He's invested roughly $2 Million in the building of what he calls the "Interstellar Light Collector" (despite that he's after moonlight not star light). He's built the 30-ton array of mirrors out in the middle of the desert near Tuscon, Arizona. He's encouraging people to come and "bathe" in the moonlight that his five stories high "device" focuses "with the precision of a Swiss watch." According to Chapin, there is anecdotal evidence (that is to say... none) that suggests that bathing in the focused moonlight can do anything from helping you lose 100 pounds to curing your cancer.

I'm not entirely sure if he's aware that the moon simply reflects sunlight and I don't know if he charges anything to bathe in his focused moonlight..... but the man spent $2 Million of his own money. That's an awfully big donation to make in the name of "science" and global health. I'm not trying to be overly cynical or nasty but this has "crock of shit" written all over it and yet people are flocking to this crackpots magic machine in the desert.

What's worse is that there are "legitimate" news agencies that are giving this story coverage and NOT calling it out as complete malarky. I know that you can't empirically deny that it works until experiments have been performed and the results vetted but COME ON!!!

IT'S MIRRORS AND MOONLIGHT!!!

11/12/07 - Prelude

2007-11-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ghosts aren't real.

Neither are bigfoot, the loch ness monster, chupacabra, vampires etc etc etc

If you absolutely need something to be frightened of then worry about corruption in the government or something that actually impacts your life and everyone else's.

And for gods sake stop hiding behind the notion of being "open minded". Since when does being an idiot fall under the protection of being open minded? There is nothing "open minded" about believing every single fairy tale your parents (or worse) told you. Being open minded should encourage you to embrace the TRUTH and explore rationale explanations... not made up and overly simplistic explanation for anything you don't immediately understand. I love a good horror flick and Ghostbusters might be my favorite movie... but I also loved Star Wars and I don't believe in Jedi Knights either.

Recently some "Chupacabra" (Goat Suckers) were proven to be Coyotes. In Santa Fe a "ghost" caught on tape was a bug on the camera lens. The world has been waiting centuries for even the slightest shred of actual credible evidence that any of these mythical creatures exists. To date none exists but people's need to believe in nonsense is so overwhelming that there's no shortage of con artists, hucksters and plain old lunatics ready to make a buck off it.

Ghost Hunters on The Sci-Fi Network is a perfect example. The two mainstays on Ghost Hunters are.... you ready for this? PLUMBERS. Not religous authorities or biologists or any kind of expert on anything other than copper plumbing. These are the men that head up one of the most visible "investigations" into the question of life after death.

It's almost as laughable as the scores of people that believe in Astrology.

10/29/07 - The Holy See

2007-10-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

You know who I'm totally sick of?

The Pope.

Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joseph Alois Ratzinger) recently asked Catholic pharmacists to be conscientious objectors in order to deny patients medications that contradict the Church's moral dictum.

Well fuck you Nazi Pope (Ratzinger was legally obligated to join "the Hitler Youth" organization after his 14th birthday) .

There may be more than a billion (with a "b") Catholics in the world today but that still leaves 5.6 Billion of us that think the Papacy is full of shit. Sure from time to time they make a good point or back a decent cause but for the most part it seems to me that most of their time is spent sitting on a giant stack of money, earned with bloodshed and warfare, telling a bunch of poor people what to do.

Oh and tooling around in a really keen little bulletproof car.

Like Jesus would have.

In fact the more you pay attention the more ridiculous the Vatican becomes.

Have you taken a look at the Swiss Guard lately?

What kind of Nation State claims Divine Moral Authority while using MERCENARIES that dress like that?!

My beef isn't just with Benedict either. The whole lot of 'em stink as far a s I'm concerned. From Anacletus to Formosus all the way up to Urban the VII.

The Vatican has such a ridiculously horrific record over it's existence that it's established success is the strongest theological argument against it's own veracity that I can imagine. Surely if the Catholic God were real he would have stepped in and struck down the Papacy a long time ago.

For Christ's sake there was even a "Warrior Pope" at one point (Julius II). Can you imagine Jesus endorsing the kind of Pope who's policies include "throwing stones first and considering the lilies later?"

Nuts to you Pope.

10/23/07 - POTATO BUG!!!

2007-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!

IN MY KITCHEN!!!

I have to move now. There is no way I can ever sleep in this house again. Ever. It was huge... it was disgusting... and I'm pretty sure I heard it say something anti-semitic.

I hate these things. The first time I saw one I was in Junior High and I almost shit my pants. Fifteen years later and my reaction hasn't changed much. I have no idea why they're called Jerusalem Crickets. They are clearly the work of Satan himself.

So so so SO disturbing.

10/17/07 - Episode Three

2007-10-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Episode Three of The Hockeywood Insider is online now.

Subscribe on iTunes or check www.lifeinhockeywood.com

10/16/07 - Honest To God...

2007-10-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH PARIS HILTON!!!

Now that Paris Hilton has served her jail time she's planning on going to Rwanda to try and "leave a mark on the world."

Can't we at least wait until this woman actually DOES something before making a news story out of it?

Who exactly is served by recording every conversation this woman has?

10/15/07 - The Horror

2007-10-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

I had my very first Digital Prostate Exam this morning.

I never want to do that again.

Ever.

10/14/07 - Seeing Red

2007-10-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

There are many kinds of "bad people".

Murderers. Rapists. Politicians.

Red Wings fans in Los Angeles.

That's right. Fuck you.

I don't care how many of your ancestors were die hard Wing Nuts.... you live in LOS ANGELES now. There's a team here too you know. Yea it sucks... but so does life sometimes. That's what makes being a sports fan interesting. Sometimes your team sucks... sometimes it's good.... or so I'm told. If you only dig out your team colors (or choose them) when "your team" is doing well... then aren't you just a bandwagoning asshole?

Yea. You are.

To those of you who have no significant ties to Michigan at all... how do you sleep at night? I mean honest to god you are just the lowest of low.

May god have mercy on your hollow worthless souls.

10/13/07 - Bouncing Back

2007-10-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Being a public figure can be a difficult cross to bear. All too frequently they find themselves wearing a crown of thorns fashioned by the "Main Stream" Media. To live your life in the public eye is to martyr yourself for the sins of the public at large. To allow any sinner with a cable box or the Internet to throw the first digital stone. It can only be described as miraculous then, when a public figure manages to resurrect their crucified name and ascends back into the heaven of public good will.

Such is the case with Ann Coulter.

Uniformly blamed for starting the Black Plague (a disease that ravaged the population of Eurasia in the 14th, 15th and 16th centuries) Coulter has seen her popularity rebound in the last 20 years. Unlike her subordinates in the Third Reich, Coulter's name has NOT come to represent the most heinous and villainous qualities mankind has to offer. Given that her name can be found on almost every page in Mein Kampf her Q Rating turn around is nothing short of phenomenal. In fact many people are unaware that she wrote the original forward.

Even the city of Philadelphia, KNOWN for their chilly reception of such lovable figures as Santa Claus, has forgiven her for cracking their signature Liberty Bell. Her once famous creed of "Sic Semper Tyrannis" has been all but forgotten and attributed to her one time beaux and legend of the stage J.W. Booth.

In the early part of the Twentieth Century the only place you could find Ms. Coulter in the media was when they would blow her actions out of proportion. Like her run ins with the Titanic, Hindenburg and Arch Duke Ferdinand. These days, thanks to her plucky spirit and never say die attitude, the "Queen of Mean" can be seen on such reputable programs as "The O'Reilly Factor" and "Hannity and Colmes" spreading the true gospel.

Namely, that the widows of 9-11 victims are greedy opportunists, the New York Times should be attacked by terrorists and that the United States should target civilians all over the world as part of their "War on Fundamentalism".

Keep fighting the good fight Ann. Never let the man get you down.

Here's an abridged list of Ms. Coulture's accomplishments over the years

starting the Chicago Fire
head writer on Walker, Texas Ranger
inventor of Olestra
personal mentor to Britney Spears
spokesperson for King George the III
Prime Minister of Cambodia 1976 - 1979
first baseman for the 1986 Red Sox
Economic advisor to Herbert Hoover

10/10/07 - Episode Two

2007-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Check out the newest episode of The Hockeywood Insider! Click here!

Also check out the Nays of the Day here or here.

Thanks,
Dr. Naysay

10/08/07 - Columbus Day

2007-10-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's time for this silliness to be over.

It's 2007. We all know the story we're taught in grade school about Columbus isn't true and we should be able to handle saying goodbye to a holiday that is nothing more than jingoistic propaganda. If people don't want to give up the day off then rename it "Exploration Day" or something and make it a celebration of the human spirit or the quest for knowledge.

To continually celebrate an opportunist who oversaw the brutality that Columbus did should be below even the present administration. If people want to cling to the lie then let them celebrate the myth on their own time. It's time that we, as a nation, start living up to our own trumpeted ideals.

10/07/07 - Deadman's Curve

2007-10-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Given the cultural prominence and glorification of the "sport", I suppose it should come as no surprise when deaths occur as a result of street racing. It shouldn't diminish the tragedy of an otherwise idiotic and pointless death.

Three people died in Orange County, FLA today when the Oldsmobile they were driving hit a Penske rental truck and split in half. All three occupants were killed. The other car in the race kept going.

I spent a period of my life in Calabasas, CA and had friends that lost people they knew in a race through the canyons. I have never understood the allure of professional Auto Racing and I certainly don't understand the allure of illegal street races. To risk your life in pursuit of bragging rights is stupid.

STUPID.

Could you imagine having to explain to your parents that you were never going to see them again because you had to prove to some asshole that your car was faster than his? Or that you had bigger balls?

It's not just auto racing either. I've never understood the interest in who was "the fastest". I can't imagine a more boring sporting even than a race. Be it horses, cars or a foot race. I just couldn't imagine a more pointless endeavor. With the recent revelations about doping in the Tour de France and Marion Jones and all the controversy over the years regarding the Soviet Bloc athletes it seems to me that racing may include the most absurd collection of characters this side of the WWE.

Being fast may carry a rush... but it shouldn't be worth dying or lying for.

10/06/07 - A Kid's Game

2007-10-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Kids are great. Kids are the future. We all started out as kids.

I've heard all the arguments about how wonderful kids are and why we should all be patient when it comes to dealing with children. For the most part I buy into all that garbage %100. Where I draw the line is when people start catering to kids in adult settings.

I understand that if I want to eat on the patio of my local McDonald's that I may have to put up with kids. I fully expect to have to deal with teenagers if I go to see the latest Amanda Bynes movie. There are plenty of places I don't think I should have to be subjected to a child's sensibilities.

An NHL hockey game is one of those places.

An NHL game isn't anything like a High School football game. The action happens faster and there isn't a six or 8 lane track around the ice for cheerleaders and mascots to jump around and waste time dancing. Which means if a team wants to employ those distraction they have to fine somewhere else to do their gyrations. Usually right in front of some poor fan.

I've heard all kinds of ridiculous arguments for having a mascot but the one that seems to carry the most weight is that "the kids love it".

To that I say this... kids are stupid.

Why do I have to put up with some asshole in a mascot suit just because their MAY be some kids in the crowd that like him? How many tickets did they buy?

Some of the most successful sports franchises have managed to do just fine without mascots. The Yankees, Lakers, Red Wings and Dodgers don't have mascots and they all seem to do just fine. (sorry Dodgers fans... I'm talking ticket sales not win/loss records)

Kids don't spend the money to keep sports teams afloat, adults do. Keep catering to kids and you alienate your adult audience. When the kids outgrow the mascot and all they have left is a team that doesn't win and a franchise that doesn't take it's adult customers seriously you will lose the majority of those fans.

10/05/07 - Dungeons And D-Men

2007-10-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Despite my previous objections to fantasy sports I find myself checking in to find out how the team I drafted for the podcast (The Hockeywood Insider) is doing.

I tried my hardest to draft players exclusively from the Eastern Conference so I wouldn't find myself rooting against the Kings too frequently but I guess I got bored because I wound up with Rick Nash and Mikka Kiprusoff.

I also wound up with Justin Williams and Marc Andre Fleury. As of right this moment... Fleury has allowed two goals thru one period and Williams has done bupkus. I'm watching the game and it's the least fun I've ever had while watching a hockey game. I'm rooting for ONE guy on the team that's winning but the GOALIE on the team that's losing.

What the hell is that?

Instead of watching the game and enjoying the sport I'm fixated on two guys and hoping that somehow the perfect confluence of events plays out to my benefit.

Stupid.

10/04/07 - So I Rescued A Socks Murderer

2007-10-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have too many socks.

I don't think it's a huge deal or anything but every time I look in my sock drawer I'm just blown away at how many I have. I don't even wear socks that often. Most of them just sit there and wait for their day in the sun before spending another long period of hibernation.

I imagine they probably think they live a pretty kush life. For socks anyway.

Lately however a menace has been stalking the peaceful little community they've tried so hard to build.

A furry white menace.

I first noticed a problem when I pulled one sock out of the laundry but couldn't locate it's partner.

I put up missing signs all over the living room but nobody said anything.

I would find out later it was because they were intimidated. They know what happens to clothes that step out of line.

*sigh*

10/03/07 - The Hockeywood Insider

2007-10-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm co-hosting a podcast with two fellas named Brian and Matt.

We'll be discussing the Los Angeles Kings on a weekly basis. You can find it on iTunes or at

www.lifeinhockeywood.com

If you really need this to contain some sort of negative bent in order to satisfy the mandate implied by calling it the Nay of the Day then...

When I was in services for Yom Kippur there were these three kids sitting in the last row playing video games on their PSP's or GameBoys or whatever they hell kids have these days.

You know what? Fuck those kids and fuck their parents.

I didn't even wear leather that day.

I'm awesome. They suck.

Check out the podcast.

10/02/07 - Madonna

2007-10-02T12:00:00.001-07:00

Madonna just completely baffles me.

There have been moments where I have found her incredibly attractive (the Express Yourself video, 1989)...

and moments where I have found her to be completely hideous and absurd (too many to list)...

She married Guy Ritchie, moved to England and adopted that stupid accent, started touting Kabbalah and NOW she's been nominated to join the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I don't know anything about the necessary requirements (if any) for being elected to the Hall of Fame and I don't need to. Madonna may be a master of re-invention, she may be a cultural icon and the hero of two generations of little girls but one thing she is NOT is a "Rock 'n Roller".

Another thing she isn't, is Jewish... and yet there she was on Rosh Hashanah in Israel touting herself as "an ambassador for Judaism." Allegedly she has adopted the name of the heroine of the Purim story, Esther.

Fucking great.

Here I was thinking I could just ignore Madonna and her schizophrenic identity shifts except when I wanted to watch VH1 or MTV and now I find out she's anointed herself as a spokesperson for my religion. If I needed another reason to distance myself from Judaism I think I just found it.

Of course it's insane to take her statement at face value. Which is no different from anything else she's ever done or said. I just wish she could leave the already plenty maligned and hated People Of Israel out of it.

10/01/07 - Celebrity Hodge-Podge

2007-10-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have a suicide pact, Pam Anderson is engaged to the dude from the Paris Hilton sex tape, Brooke Shields wants another baby and Britney Spears has lost custody of her children.

I learned all of that in less than 5 minutes from MSNBC.com, the last little tidbit splashed across the top of the page as "Breaking News."

I'm continually disgusted with the press and it's fascination with celebrities. Not to mention the voracious appetite people have when it comes to gobbling up said coverage. I simply could not care less about the tawdry details of these people lives. The stories invariably revolve around people who are famous more for their ability to be ridiculous than any thing they've done professionally.

Beyond their willingness to have their personal lives played out in front of reality show cameras what have these people done to garner such attention? Are people so dissatisfied with their own lives that they need the endless cycle of building up people like Spears only to frolic in the inevitable meltdowns?

Or are we, as a society, equally as broken and hollow as the Celebrities we love to chronicle? Does anyone really feel like the Osbourne's publicly dealing with euthanasia helps clarify the complex issue for them? Are there people who actually never considered the complications of living with Hepatitis-C or struggled over the wisdom of a quick engagement without Pamela Anderson as a guide?

Perhaps it's latent misogyny but I can't help but feel particularly bad for the younger female celebrities who were raised to trade in on their fame and sex appeal but seem destined to have chaotic lives full of ridicule and scorn. At least Paris Hilton is an heiress to a fortune. I'm sure Spears, Lohan, Ritchie, et al.; have made more than enough to survive on for the rest of their lives but one wonders what kind of happiness money alone can buy?

Furthermore the fact that these orgies of self destruction routinely are covered as legitimate news is disgusting. In a day and age where people love to wring their hands and find fault in the educational system, the immigration problem and so many other convenient scapegoats they continually choose to feed their minds with the worst kind of bromidic trash.

09/16/07 - Deadly Games

2007-09-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

I used to play a MMORPG. That's a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. The most popular I suppose is World of Warcraft. The game I played is called City of Heroes.

You can create your own Superhero from a number of pre-chosen archtypes and powers and then name them and create a costume with billions of variations.

It was fun and I spent way too much time playing. I suppose the most entertaining element for me was creating names and ideas for characters more than actually playing. Names like "Tele-Portugal", "iSnowbot" or "Jew Jitsu".

The novelty of being able to play and converse with people from all over the globe was a thrill and there were times I had trouble prying myself away from the computer. I never missed any work or important functions as a result but I definitely turned down invitations to spend time with real live people in order to play the game. Not to mention the 3 A.M. fight with the young lady that wanted me to come back to bed instead of treating my insomnia with video games. Man do I wish I could live THAT moment over again...

All of that is nothing compared to what is being reported out of China.

A 30 year old man has allegedly died after three straight days of online use at a cyber cafe in the city of Guangzhou.(AP)

My little sister is just now starting to be exposed to these MMORPG and it scares the shit out of me. Particularly because to someone unfamiliar with the format the sites and games she's interested in seem to be so different from the typical male dominated "fantasy/sci-fi" fare of most recognizable "role playing games". After watching a group of fifth grade girls compare characters and their virtual living quarters on games such as "Webkinz" and "Club Penguin" I can honestly tell you there is NO difference. It's just a different skin on the same monster.

The monster of a "virtual reality."

Isn't that what most addictions provide? An alternative to reality? Certainly an alcoholic impairs his abilities and personal health far more than someone who spends a commensurate amount of time playing these games, but isn't the danger the same? What drives people to spend so much time creating these online personae? I've been using online pseudonyms since I was in High School and I've been struggling with various addictions for just as long.

The issue of addiction is frequently a dangerous topic to discuss. Many people lash out at what they perceive as weakness. Many people think that using "addiction" is an excuse to justify any and all inappropriate behaviors. Many people believe that addiction is a physical malady brought on only by the introduction of foreign substances to the body. Sadly, I don't think this is the case.

While there are certainly physically addictive elements in things such as alcohol, nicotine and other narcotics, addiction is far more than the physical cravings for any given stimulus. As I've stated before I believe addiction to be merely the symptom of larger problems. I'm not an expert in addiction nor am I trained or employed in Health Care but I have seen friends, family members and even myself struggle with various methods of escaping reality and self denial. Unhappiness is the birthplace of addictions and everybody can be unhappy.

I just hope that people are strong enough to recognize when they are indulging in video games responsibly the same way they monitor their drug or alcohol use. There should be nothing wrong with playing games online... provided it doesn't cost you your life.

09/15/07 - Flat Buns

2007-09-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

By now I expect everyone has seen the Carl's Jr./Hardee's "Flat Buns" ads on television. They feature two students in a classroom waxing philosophical about the glory of "flat buns" while their ridiculously hot teacher gyrates on and around her desk.

In the face of complaints from "the community" CKE Restaurants (the parent company of both) has re-edited the ad to exclude the teacher.

What the hell is the world coming too?

I've heard complaints that the original ad is "disrespectful to the teaching profession."

Well... with all due respect to all those teachers out there... FUCK the teaching profession!!! Since when are teachers above being lampooned? Since when are commercials being taken so seriously that 15 seconds worth of "Hot For Teacher" mobilizes "moral outrage" groups?

Here are the original lyrics... whoever wrote this should get an award.

Flat Buns I like flat buns. Flat buns I like flat buns.

Galileo Galileo the world is flat
but not as flat as my shorties back!
I like 'em really hot. I like 'em really flat.
I like 'em when they're just like a pancake stack!

If her butt is bony she got it going on
I think I saw her on flatbuns dot com.
Flatter makes a better rear.
Stand sideways girl and you disappear!

Flat Buns I like flat buns. Flat buns I like flat buns.

Well we are the itty bitty booty committee
on a one way bus to flat buns city.
Got no hiney I call you your highness
in anatomy class you got a butt minus!

Flat Buns I like flat buns. Flat buns I like flat buns.

09/14/07 - Look Into My Eyes

2007-09-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

It should be clear that I am a skeptic by nature. I don't believe in ghosts, psychics or aliens. It's my opinion that there is an enormous gulf between "I don't believe ghosts exist" and "I believe ghosts don't exist." I'll leave that discussion for another time.

I recently had the opportunity to listen to a hypnotherapist speak to a crowd. What he was preaching was essentially sound advice. He told parables and asked questions designed to get people to think "outside the box" about the behaviors and mental traps that might prevent them from attaining happiness.

I couldn't possibly find a simple thing "wrong" or "untrue" with anything he said... and yet the whole thing was very unsettling.

He did a few exercises that appeared designed to ferret out those most prone to suggestion. He used professional athletes at the peak of their respective sports as comparison points to daily average life. He made suggestions that were overly simplistic and that ultimately would accomplish little.

I suppose one could make the argument that since his advice was sound and couldn't hurt but I (naturally) disagree.

Life doesn't offer any easy answers or quick fixes and to encourage you to seek them out in the name of "therapy" is perverse. Therapists can't fix your problems for you and they don't have the answers. In the words of Maurice Kougell, Ph. D, "if a person cannot treat a problem with non-hypnotic techniques, he should not treat it with hypnosis."

Dangers and complications of hypnosis can include but are not limited to

•anergia and fatigue
•antisocial acting out
•anxiety, panic attacks
•attention deficit
•body/self-image distortions
•comprehension/concentration loss
•confusion
•coping skills, impaired
•decompensation, psychotic-like delusional thinking
•depersonalization
•depression
•de-realization
•dizziness
•dreams
•drowsiness, excessive sleep
•fainting
•fear of fearfulness
•guilt
•headache
•histrionic reactions
•identity crisis
•insomnia
•irritability
•medical emergencies
•memory impaired, distorted
•misunderstood suggestion
•nausea, vomiting
•obsessive ruminations
•over dependency
•personality change
•phobic aversion
•physical discomfort, injury
•psychomotor retardation
•psychosis
•regressed behaviors
•sexual acting out
•sexual dysfunction
•somatization
•spontaneous trance
•stiffness, arm or neck
•stress, lowered threshold
•stupor
•symptom substitution
•tactile hallucinations
•traumatic recall
•tremors
•weeping, uncontrolled

So why place your trust and money in a hypnotherapist? Why turn to someone who at best can offer you nothing more than a parlor trick solution to what may be deeply troubling personal matters? Are people so afraid of sincere internal investigations that they would risk their own health and finances in order to be placated by what amounts to a modern day Snake Oil Salesman?

All the self validation techniques and pre-slumber pep talks in the world won't make you any more or less motivated than you are to effect true change in your life. I spent every night for the better part of five years telling myself that I would "start losing weight tomorrow" but it wasn't until I started behaving differently that I started seeing results.

The simple fact is that the pain of not changing something has to overcome the fear of changing.

Anyone willing to entertain the idea of hypnotherapy is not in the proper frame of mind to truly benefit from the therapeutic process.

09/13/07 - A Call To Worship

2007-09-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, being Jewish isn't all cashing checks and kicking Arabs.

There are 613 Mitzvot you must remember and adhere to and if you think living without mixing milk and meat is any fun then I have a bridge in Tel Aviv to sell you.

Fortunately (for me and most Jews I know) we tend to completely ignore the fact that we are God's Chosen People until those moments it's most convenient. Christmas is a good time to start thumping one's chest and complaining about the baby Jesus and whenever you need a day off from work you can always count on Shavu'ot or Shemini Atzeret to get you some extra sleep.

Those days of the year we are expected to demonstrate our Judaism without complaint or shenanigans are known as the High Holy Days. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. On these days you can (for a great expense) see all those Jewish friends of yours who would otherwise not be bothered to don a yarmulke and spend three (or more) hours indoors standing and rising in fifteen minute intervals.

All while being serenaded by the the *cough* beautiful and *cough* lyrical sounds of the Hebrew language.

Had cell phones been invented when the Ten Commandments were handed down I'm sure that pesky "Thou shalt not commit adultery" would be replaced with "Turn off your fucking phone when you're at the theatre, a wedding or at Temple."

Even if it had, I suspect the four people whose cell phones went off this Rosh Hoshanah would probably have found themselves in the same position. Awkwardly fumbling for their phones while the entire congregation craned their neck to see who the yutz was.

Four times.

Oy vey.

09/12/07 - Final Fantasy

2007-09-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've never understood Fantasy Sports.

I tried to play a few seasons ago. It was a Head to Head Fantasy NHL League and I missed the first 10 minutes of the Live Draft so I wound up with Evgeni Nabokov on my team.

For those of you who don't follow hockey, Nabokov is the starting goalie for the San Jose Sharks. I am a Los Angeles Kings fan. The two teams play in the same division.

That means on any given night I would be rooting for a good performance out of a team that I am used to rooting against just so that my "Fantasy Team" might beat someone else's "Fantasy Team".

That just felt wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!!!

09/11/07 - The Global War On Terror

2007-09-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

You start a conversation you can't even finish it. You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say something once, why say it again?
-The Talking Heads (Psycho Killer)

Recently CNN and the Opinion Research Corp. asked 1017 people if they "believe the United States and its allies are winning the global war on terror." With a sampling error of plus or minus 3 percentage points, thirty percent replied yes, nearly half said they believe "neither side was winning" and the remaining nineteen percent believe "the terrorists" were in the lead.

I don't know the first thing about polls or statistics but I'm told that 1017 responses can be extrapolated to represent the "national mood" accurately enough to ignore the 1/249,985 ratio that I'm being asked to swallow. I know that if you ask a question with no answer it doesn't matter what the responses are.

The Global War On Terror doesn't exist.

The United Stats of America has no interest in stopping Global Terrorism and neither do our allies. The United States of America has a huge interest in protecting it's business investments overseas and making sure that the status quo is maintained. I'd love to believe that "Terrorism" has just become a more tasteful term for "Islamofascism" but the White House picks and chooses who to back and who to oppose with such disregard for the principles they claim to be defending that there remain few, if any, unifying characteristics with which to identify our "allies".

The fact that the United States has the budget and resources to dress in uniforms does little to diminish the terror their attacks must instill in the civilian populations they seek to "pacify." All while employing unthinkably powerful weapons. The destruction can only be described as... massive.

The fact that CNN would even stoop so low as to acknowledge the absurd phrase "The War On Terror" should be viewed as an insult by every American. The Fourth Column should exist to critique the government not kowtow to it's propaganda and rhetoric. That CNN is a business enterprise should not excuse them from choosing to simplify the issues they cover. If I hired a carpet cleaner and he simply threw some water on my rug and insisted that it were clean I would be incensed... why then do people not rage against the machine of disinformation?

"The War On Terror" is no more real than my "War On Snuffleupagus." All I need is a poll of 1,017 Americans to make it hit home.

09/10/07 - iMoans

2007-09-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Recently Apple lowered the price of their new iPhone by $200, from $599 to $399. This resulted in hundreds of angry iPhone owners deluging Apple President Steve Jobs with emails causing him to issue an open letter to all iPhone customers.

Click Here for the letter.

In the letter Jobs explains that sometimes the price for a new technology or product drops and that they should get used to it. He then relents and offers a $100 store credit towards the future purchase of any Apple product (details to come later).

Unbelievable.

Anybody who bought into the hype surrounding the iPhone deserves to lose that $200 just for being gullible. You don't get to drop big bucks for the latest ridiculous status symbol and then complain that it wasn't worth the investment. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the people who wrote the e-mails were more upset about the diminished cachet of owning an iPhone than they were about overspending.

I'm sure the iPhone is the bestest most awesomest thing ever (til next year when something new comes out) but I just can't imagine paying $599 for a new cell phone when I have a drawer full of old cell phones. Some of them have more features than others but they all make calls.

The phone I'm using now (the Sony Ericcson w300i) is great and it only cost $18 in upgrade charges. I'd never heard of it but it beats the hell out of my old Motorola Razor, which failed to live up to it's hype. I'm sure there's another phone on the market that does everything mine does and does it "better" or "faster" or is "cooler to look at" but I don't give a shit. The damn thing only cost $18 and it works beautifully.

But I digress...

Cell phones/pagers etc have been status symbols from the minute they hit the market. Hell I had a roommate with a watch that was a pager and would receive NHL scores at the end of the day. If you're invested in having the newest and the latest in technology then you should expect to pay through the nose. How many people out there are stuck with Laser Disc players? Jobs cops to that yet he still felt the need to coddle his detractors with more Apple swag.

I guess he prefers to fool some of the people all of the time.

09/09/07 - Commitment To Excellence

2007-09-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a really high minded entry today that was going to raise all kinds of questions about religion, gender identity, spiritual strength and all good shit like that. I wasn't going to curse or anything. I was going to try and get a really good streak going of serious topics handled with sincerity and gravitas.

Instead... something funny happened and I decided to be mean and overly critical of two guys who are just trying to have fun and maybe follow a dream.

I listened to the "Kings Cast" podcast. You can find it at KingsCast.net

Fuck me.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. So bad. Terrible. Horrible.

Kieth and Chris if you ever read this (which I'm sure you won't)... STOP!!!

I would applaud your passion for the Kings and your fearlessness in broadcasting your thoughts for the world to hear but listening to your podcast was the equivalent of sitting in front of every single wise ass half wit that ever bought a ticket to the Forum or STAPLES Center. My fifth grade teacher had more wit than the two of you and my 82 year old grandmother uses sarcasm with a defter touch.

The cat orgy taking place in my alley every night has better repartee than you guys. There's better chemistry in the Basra Province.

I don't know if you scripted most of your "hilarious" quips but it sure sounded like it. Annunciation may be important... but there's ALWAYS such a thing as too much of a good thing.

There must be no other Kings Fan Podcasts for you two to become the OFFICIAL FAN Podcast of the Los Angeles Kings.

I'd rather watch the Ducks win the Cup again than listen to a single minute of another episode of your shitty podcast.

Oh and comparing yourself to Bob Miller and Jim Fox? Really? REALLY?!

09/08/07 - Dr. Naysay Says "The N Word" 25 Times

2007-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

My little sister used to call "stupid" the "s-word". I think it's cute that she thought of "stupid" as a swear word so bad that she couldn't even say it. When I would let it slip she would even get uncomfortable and point out that I had said a bad word. Now that she's a little bit older (she's 10) the "s-word" has become something a little more abrasive than "stupid". The "f word" has also entered her lexicon.

One word that has escaped her notice (I think) so far is the "n word".

Nigger.

That's right. I'm not a 10 year old girl and I'm not afraid to use the word "nigger" in a descriptive context. In fact I'm not AFRAID to use the word "nigger" it in ANY context... but you won't catch me screaming "nigger" from the top of my lungs any time soon and you certainly won't ever catch me calling someone else a "nigger".

I've never understood the taboo against bad words. Why "poop" is better than "shit" or "diddle" is preferred over "fuck". I super extra mega NEVER understood why you can't just use the word "nigger" when writing an article about someone who USED the word "nigger".

The Associated Press, for example, has an article about comedian Eddie Griffin who had a performance cut short for repeated use of "the N word."

Anyone reading that article knows what "the N word" is. It's nigger. So why not just say "nigger". Surely people can't be offended by the use of the word "nigger" in an article trumpeting the efforts of people who want to abolish the word "nigger".

I feel I should point out that I'm not black. I just want to make it clear that it's not "O.K." for me to say "nigger". I mean according to the idiotic conventional wisdom that makes "nigger" completely out of bounds for Whitey.

I'm also not a racist. I've never called someone a "nigger" either in hatred or love. It's not a word I commonly use. In fact I think the only times I ever say "nigger" are when I'm talking about the word "nigger" or telling a hilarious joke about the time Mike Tyson met The Pope. Oh Iron Mike... when will you learn... you can't eat sunflower seeds when meeting The Pontiff.

I'm not the first to point of the insanity of trying to outlaw a "magic word." Plenty of people have railed against the madness of trying to kill the word "nigger" but there was the NAACP recently having a funeral for "nigger." "Nigger" never got such illustrious treatment! What they SHOULD have done was lynched it. That would have at least hinted at a sense of humor, however black (pun intended).

Incidentally.... "black humor" = "a form of humor that regards human suffering as absurd rather than pitiable, or that considers human existence as ironic and pointless but somehow comic."

Not this...
So what should society do about "nigger?" Should we spend the rest of human history making sure that no one ever again utters the word "nigger" in polite company? Should we gnash our teeth and weep every time a public figure dares to say "nigger"?

No.

Neither should we completely ignore "nigger" and pretend that the word doesn't carry with it a tremendous accumulation of emotional baggage. If someone in a position of power or authority were to be overheard calling someone a "nigger" that would surely speak volumes about not only their character but also their decision making abilities. A journalist or artist, however, should be free to use whatever word fits best. In this case if you're writing an article about the word "nigger" you ought to feel free to say "nigger."

It's 2007. It's time to stop being afraid of our own history. It's time to stop being afraid of magic words. It's time to stop being afraid of trying to communicate with people no matter how unpleasant or unsavory we think it is. It's time to put an end to the rules and taboos that govern small children on a playground.

It's time to grow up.

09/07/08 - Playing Chicken

2007-09-07T12:00:00.001-07:00

7-11 has introduced a brand new product. They're calling it the Savory Chicken Bite. It's a hot dog shaped link of "100% white meat". Wednesday night I ate one.
That thing isn't food. It's a recipe for instant diarrhea... and not the good kind either. Who would have ever imagined that such a small amount of processed garbage could do so much damage to the gastrointestinal tract?

7-11 describes it as delicious. While it wasn't completely disgusting tasting I'd hardly call it delicious and the pain and suffering it has caused me since Wednesday night hardly makes up for it. If I had the choice I think I'd rather step on another stingray than eat another one of these bowel cleansers.

I should have known better than to eat something from 7-11 but I was so freaking hungry and so thrilled to have lost 3 pounds since the previous week that I threw caution to the wind.

A mistake I won't soon repeat.

The only thing that makes this whole debacle tolerable is that I didn't pay for the "Savory Chicken Bite".

Not with money anyway...

09/02/07 - Fixing A Hole

2007-09-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has shocked the world.

It turns out that the procedures known as ”vaginal rejuvenation,” “designer vaginoplasty” and "revirgination” are "not medically necessary" and "not guaranteed to be safe."

There are a few conditions that merit some kind of surgery on the lady bits including something called "pelvic prolapse". I looked it up. You don't want to know.

So why on earth does The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists feel the need to warn against vaginoplasty run rampant? It seems that there are advertisements encouraging the ladies to "tighten it up" a bit and the docs are concerned about health issues. Crazy bastards.

I'm constantly amazed when someone comes forward with announcements like these. I suppose it's the sign of a healthy society that we are concerned for people who might actually believe that having their junk poked and prodded. I guess what stuns is me is that there are people out there who couldn't put it together for themselves that unnecessary cosmetic surgery will always carry inherent risks with it.

What doesn't amaze me is that there is yet another cottage industry sprung up around getting people to feel like there's something wrong with their bodies. DON'T BELIEVE IT PEOPLE!!!

Obviously in extreme cases I suppose it's fine and dandy but I gotta say I find cosmetic surgery to be the height of insanity. Especially when it comes to your junk.

09/01/07 - 100

2007-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

When I started this I honestly never thought I'd reach 100 entries. I've never been particularly good at finishing anything I ever started.

Of course when I started this I never thought I would have lost 50 pounds in the same amount of time. I never thought I would be walking 4 miles a day. I never thought I would have finished reading 14 "classic" novels in just under 3 months.

Unemployment has played a hand in all of these accomplishments to be sure but I'm proud of them none the less.

So now I'm on 100. Some of them have been short. Some of them have been little more than profanities. Some of them weren't even written by me (thanks again Brielle). Some of them I'm embarrassed to look back on. Some of them I'm actually quite pleased with.

I said at the beginning that these entries would be getting better and I hope that I have lived up to my word. I'm constantly worrying that I've run out of things to say. Or worse... that I don't have a right to say anything at all.

That fear has been hounding me for years.

The fear that all my opinions are useless. That despite being full of things to say I have nothing worth listening to. When I was growing up my father used to badger me and badger me (yes you did, Dad) with the question "What do you want to do?" He was convinced that deep down I knew what I wanted to do but was to ashamed or embarrassed to admit it for fear that I would appear foolish. He was convinced that until I admitted to myself what it was that I truly wanted to do I could never truly be happy. Even if I failed to accomplish my secret dream, constantly denying it would be a far worse fate.

There have been countless stories built on that very premise.

I don't know why it took me until I was 29 to understand that he was right(yes you were, Dad).

This blog is part of it. I've heard too many people complain that the internet and sites like this one only encourage an already overly self involved generation to continue exploring it's own mundane existence.

What of it?

I've just as much a right as any to contribute my voice to the world. I may not have the education or the publishing contracts of some of the more august commentators and certainly I don't have the readership numbers but I have a voice and I like using it. It may very well be that all of my opinions aren't worth the time it took to type them all out. It may be that this little experiment won't last another 100 entries and I'll put back on all the weight I've lost instead of continuing to lose the 70 pounds more I intend to shed.

It's possible that my life is, as was written of me, hollow and pointless.

I'm not concerned with any of that.

I know what I want to do. I know that I won't stop doing it.

08/31/07 - The Joys Of Sand Revisited

2007-08-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken
joy in creative expression and knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Today I was fortunate enough to get the chance to teach a small group of children at Sunset Beach. Specifically I taught them a number of new words and phrases.

shit
fuck
son of a bitch
motherfucker
Jesus fucking Christ
pussy
assload
balls
assrape

You see today I was stung by a stingray. I feel obliged to mention just how much it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

I mean it hurt a fucking LOT. I don't remember exactly what I said as I made my way back to shore... but I do know that I used every combination of curse words that I could think of and some I had never thought of before.

I spent the next two hours with my foot in a tub of water so hot the pain from that almost overwhelmed the pain from the sting.

Almost.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to get dragged (face first) through the sand by a rather large wave. Resulting in a fashionable red mark on my forehead That also hurts.

If there is a God and if he (or she) does indeed meddle in human affairs it seems plain to me that I am not meant to enjoy the Ocean.

08/30/07 - Oh Hell No

2007-08-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

Entomologists are debating the origin and rarity of a sprawling spider web that blankets several trees, shrubs and the ground along a 200-yard stretch of trail in a North Texas park.

Officials at Lake Tawakoni State Park say the massive mosquito trap is a big attraction for some visitors, while others won't go anywhere near it.
-CNN.com(AP)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck THAT!!!

I wouldn't classify myself as an Arachnophobe but 200 yards?! If I ever needed more reason NOT to go to Texas I just found it. I'm not even comfortable living on the same CONTINENT as whatever spider made that web.

Herbert A. "Joe" Pase, a Texas Forest Service entomologist, said the massive web is very unusual.

"From what I'm hearing it could be a once-in-a-lifetime event," he said.

I'm pretty sure I've seen this movie before. That's what someone says right before the giant spider comes over the hill and eats us all.

08/29/07 - The Joys of Sand

2007-08-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time at the beach lately. Which means I've also been spending a lot of time in the shower getting sand out of all my nooks and crannies.

It's a bit of a pain in the ass (no pun intended) but I suppose it could be worse.

Actually the truth is I just wanted an excuse to say that earlier this week there was a pod of dolphins swimming near us and today a Pelican dove into the water not 15 feet away and then resurfaced and sat calmly eating his fish while we floated nearby and watched.

Pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.

08/27/07 - A Slow Burn

2007-08-27T12:00:00.001-07:00

Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide.

I know this because every news agency reported it. Regardless of the fact that it is an incredibly personal issue and can't be made any easier to deal with by trumpeting it to the entire world.

I know this is hard for people to grasp but celebrities are not the property of the public.

Being an actor or a musician does not make the tawdry or tragic details of your life fodder for public consumption. I understand that news channels and newspapers have to earn a profit and ignoring a story someone else is covering can mean a loss of consumers but just once I would like to see a news agency display just a shred of dignity and refuse to cover something that simply isn't "news".

Mr. Wilson's suicide attempt is sad, and certainly one hopes he can benefit from whatever treatment he receives, but it is an issue for Mr. Wilson and his family. No amount of "thoughts and prayers" offered by legions of adoring fans are going to repair whatever pain he has that led him to this act.

Sadder still is that this kind of thing has become common place in news stories and broadcasts. With an ongoing occupation in Iraq and the resignation under scrutiny of the Attorney General as well as the remaining issues in New Orleans as well as abroad it's pathetic that an attempted suicide garners attention from reputable news agencies.

It's enough to make someone want to commit suicide.

08/26/07 - The Green

2007-08-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies. ~Will Rogers

I hate being bad at things.

You must REALLY hate playing golf then.

That fear of incompetence has prevented me from doing so many things I may have loved that it's truly frightening.

Not as frightening as that first drive you hit. It's a good thing that tree was so close.

It may be simple stubbornness that makes me unable to give up playing golf with Everyone's Favorite Google Employee.

Are you really playing "with" him if the best you can do is shoot par two out of 18 on a Par-3 Course?

I'm determined not to let my inability to excel at things prevent me from trying.

Don't be so hard on yourself... you're great at kicking the ball after missing a putt.

GODDAMMIT I CANNOT STAND GOLF!!!

If I were just absolutely horrid at it I would be happier. If every time I struck the ball I had no control over where it went I would be free to shrug my shoulders and just say "Well I'm terrible. That's the end of that." But no. Any time I'm prepared to hurl my clubs into the Ocean, never to be seen again, I come up with a chip shot or a putt that hints at real competence. My outbursts of adequacy are as puzzling to me as anything I've ever encountered. I used to start strong then fade as the game plodded along. Now I start miserably and begin to hit my stride on the 16th hole.

Of course it's only complicated by playing with someone who takes the game seriously. To twist the old actor's refrain "God, please let me play well... and make my friends play like crap". It's the most infuriating and intriguing game I've ever played.

I hate it.

I love it.

08/25/07 - Entrapment

2007-08-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

On Friday night the Miss Teen USA pageant aired. The following video clip and transcript are from the Question and Answer session with 3rd runner up Miss South Carolina.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

Aimee Teegarden : Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Lauren Caitlin Upton (Miss South Carolina) : I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

The Miss Teen USA Pageant is part of the beauty pageant triple crown (Miss Universe & Miss USA) owned and operated in partnership by Donald J. Trump and the National Broadcasting Company, Inc. (NBC). NBC is also the station that produces and broadcasts "Dateline NBC : To Catch A Predator". The minimum age requirement to participate in Miss Teen USA is 15. The "decoys" used on To Catch a Predator often pretend to be 13 year old girls.

I find it fascinating that NBC can profit from filming the downfall of men sexually attracted to underage women while at the same time producing a pageant that celebrates underage women as worthy targets of sexual desire. Let's not fool ourselves into believing the tired refrain that beauty pageants aren't about objectifying women. The Miss Teen USA contest features not only an evening wear or "gown" competition but also a swimsuit portion as well.

Certainly Miss Teen USA isn't the most blatant offender in the objectification of women (see Miss Hawaiian Tropic), nor is sexual objectification necessarily a bad thing. What moves me to write today is not Miss Upton's embarrassing response to her question but the asinine mentality that placed her on that stage in the first place and the ridiculous expectation of asking an 17 year old girl a question about the state of the nation's educational standards.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. "Teenagers don't know anything about anything." However the question that was posed of Miss Upton has no good answer. Were I in her position and asked the same question my response would be as follows.

Aimee Teegarden : Dr. Naysay, recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Dr. Naysay : No fucking way! Twenty percent of Americans can't possibly be that stupid. Where does that statistic come from? What age groups are polled to reach that number? Even if it were true... what do you want ME to say about it? It's pathetic.

You can't put that on television and certainly you can't win a pageant with it. Miss Upton's answer displayed, at best, a nervous young woman in over her head or, at worst, a child with barely two thoughts in her head to rub together. Why should she be expected to have a response to such questions? Certainly it would be nice if intellectual curiosity and an interest in the welfare of the planet were instilled in every young person but Miss Upton has already begun her professional life having already appeared as a model in a number of national magazines. Her ability to scrap together an acceptable retort to a dubious observation scripted for another 17 year old should be of absolutely no consequence.

Of course the reality is it isn't of any consequence. Miss Upton finished 4th in the contest and will no doubt only benefit from her appearance in the pageant regardless of her gaffe. Additionally there appears to be no contract in place to broadcast the Miss Teen USA Pageant in the future.

Nor should Miss Upton's response be surprising. There is a long tradition of celebrating physical beauty regardless of the intellectual prowess housed within. At the moment we seem to be living in a Golden Age of well known women behaving like fools. Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears (as well as others) have all made themselves the object of public mockery in a seemingly never ending crescendo of ludicrous antics. What did any of these women ever do to suggest that they were capable of more?

Spears and Lohan were celebrated sex icons long before their 18th birthdays and Ritchie and Hilton are only in the news because of their families wealth. We celebrate gossip as news and have magazines, television shows and entire channels devoted to the promotion and coverage of the young and beautiful. We regularly enforce the idea to our children that notoriety and beauty are goals worthy of aspiring to no matter the cost. We bend over backwards to accommodate even the acquaintances of those we idolize.

I'm not advocating the cancellation of beauty pageants or suggesting that we not condemn the sexual exploitation of minors but some self examination must be done. You can't show young girls that being pretty and stupid is a one way ticket to success and not expect them to be exploited at worst and mocked and ridiculed at best. If the kind of question that was posed to Miss Upton has a place in these pageants then there is no way that her answer should be acceptable. If her question is acceptable (and she DID finish in the top 5) then the very act of asking it reveals the hypocrisy of NBC (or any one else) in any claim that the pageant is little more than the objectification of the very subjects they claim to be protecting with their To Catch A Predator segments.

08/24/07 - Cirque De Famille

2007-08-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to write all week.

Sure I was physically capable... but every time I sat down and started to write it looked like crap to me. I suppose that's the downside to suggesting that you'll write something everyday. Of course... it's not like anyone gives a shit. Oh sure I get some gentle reminders from folks wanting to know why I'm slipping but I don't think anyone really cares.

Which I suppose is why it all looked like crap to me. Most of the entries are self-indulgent, derivative and ill-informed.

The only thing that keeps me going is Bil Keane. That's right. The creative dynamo behind the Family Circus.
I know plenty of people have gone on at great length about their disgust with The Family Circus. Stand up comics and bloggers and every other kind of malcontent have pointed out how insidiously unfunny the work of the Keane family is. Bil (that's one "L" incidentally") and his son produce the daily strip.

Despite the avalanche of complaints about The Family Circus, the strip has been in print for almost 50 years. Keane started the strip in 1960! The strip is quite obviously based on the cartoonist's own life and never deviates from the saccharine format of exploring the innocent whimsies and hilarious pratfalls of suburban child rearing.

While I don't find the strip funny in the least I harbor no ill will towards it or it's creator. Quite the opposite in fact.

If this no talent, unfunny, pointless, obnoxious, two bit hack with nothing to say can have the the most widely syndicated cartoon series in the world that has run for almost 50 years then the sky is the limit!

Bil Keane gives hope to every struggling artist. Every bitter, self absorbed, mother hating demagogue should kiss the ground that Bil (with one "L") Keane walks on. He has proven conclusively that you can be successful even if what you produce is the worst kind of drivel. Ageless children with no last name making obtuse observations about a world that doesn't exist. Mindless pap syndicated all over the world to meet the non-existent demand for imbecilic pleasantries in a 3 inch by 3 inch box.

Yes, Bil Keane sheds his the light of his genius on the path of creativity for all of us to follow.

Thank you Bil. You are truly a god among men.

Incidentally this week Bil is on vacation and the Family Circus has been reprints.

08/20/07 - The Banality of Resident Evil*

2007-08-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

*with apologies to Hannah Arendt

I've made Everybody's Favorite Google Employee see more shitty movies than either of us can remember. Some of the worst films I've dragged him to include Small Soldiers and Barb Wire. I suppose it's a fair price to pay for catching gems like Super Troopers in the theaters but in my old age (every day brings me closer to the dreaded three-zero) I find myself less and less excited about paying to watch crap on the big screen. With the disappointing "Summer of Three-quels" almost over there have been a number of really wonderful films. I didn't get to see as many as I would have liked but Hot Fuzz, Ratatouille, and Knocked Up were all well worth the price of admission.

This past weekend we saw Superbad. As preview after preview came Everybody's Favorite Google Employee looked over at me and asked "Who the fuck is watching these movies?!"

He was talking about the preview for Resident Evil: Extinction (aka Resident Evil 3).

I have to admit (with some embarrassment) that I saw Resident Evil(1) in the theatre but it was so atrociously bad (rating a 33% on Rottentomatoes.com) that I skipped Resident Evil: Apocalypse (which only got a 20%). Even if you didn't see either film I suspect you'll have no trouble following the plot (such as it is) of the third installment. There are zombies. There is Milla Jovovich. Hilarity ensues.

I suppose it's to be expected of a film (loosely) based on a series of video games but I still find it amazing that the worlds constantly replenished supply of 15 year old boys still line up to see moderately attractive women (I'm sorry but Ali Larter ISN'T THAT HOT!!!) and the undead in film after film when there are worlds of more beautiful women and more ultra-violence available all the time thanks to the internet and the spread of foreign cinema. I'm not much of an Asian Cinema buff (and I don't have The Yellow Fever) but I'm told that movies like Oldboy are "the bomb".

So why do people still see movies like the Resident Evil trilogy? It can't be character development and (let's be honest) a movie based on a series of video games can't have a terribly fascinating plot. So is it just brand name recognition? Have we become so stultifyingly devoted to the familiar that we will line the pockets of movie companies just because they make films with familiar names?

A quick look at the biggest money makers of 2007 answers that question pretty clearly.

The top 10 include movies based on two T.V. shows, two comic books, two books and a ride at Disneyland. Two of the remaining three are the 3rd and 4th installment of their respective franchises. Ratatouille is the only truly original film in the lot.

I suppose it's a sign that my tastes are maturing that I don't rush out to be the first in line to see every summer blockbuster that comes out... or perhaps it's just me being a cantankerous bastard. Either way I have, if nothing else, a response to the question, "who the fuck is watching these movies?"

Not me.

08/17/07 - Fools Rush In

2007-08-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Take my hand, take my whole life too

for I can't help fallin' in love with you...

Hero worship is a dangerous proposition at best. As far back as the writing of The Bible people have warned against it.

"you shall have no other gods before me.

You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

You shall not bow down to them or worship them"

So where does one draw the line between mere appreciation and "worship"? One of the definitions given is "to feel an adoring reverence or regard."

*cough*

Every year "Graceland", the home of Elvis Presley, sees over 500,000 visitors a year. People make their "pilgrimage" from all over the world and this summer marks the 30th anniversary of the death of "The King." His grave is located in a small garden beside the house. If you can really call this a "house". On the anniversary of the singer's death, every year, a procession is led through the estate and past the grave. As many as 40,000 people are believed to have attended the 25th anniversary procession.
Graceland, managed by CKX, Inc., puts on a full week of events to mark the anniversary including concerts, dances and movie screenings .

This year temperatures reached 100 degrees in the Memphis area. Officials say there have been at least 7 heat related deaths in recent weeks. Including a 67 year old woman who was found in her tent near Graceland. She is described as "an Elvis fan." I'm sure this poor woman didn't think she was putting her life at risk by making the trip to Memphis but she was.

Who are these people? What would possess hundreds of thousands of people from all over to visit this hot, muggy little corner of the world? Where will this adulation for the dead singer lead? When did people lose whatever it is they hope to replace with their love for Elvis? Why is Elvis Presley so fascinating to people even 30 years after his death? How does something like this happen?

I'm too young to fully appreciate the cultural impact Elvis had on my parents and their generation but neither are some of the biggest fans of "The King". The introduction of modern media into the world has ensured that the legacy of "The King" can be felt long after his death (courtesy of CKX, Inc. for now). Exactly what that legacy is I will leave to more astute musical scholars than myself.

However, here is a list of things Elvis DIDN'T accomplish:

heal the sick
change water into wine
raise the dead
walk on water

I don't mean to malign Christians OR Preslians but watching the Elvis phenomena one could easily see how the meager accomplishments of one man could be blown completely out of proportion if backed by the right people.

The difference these days is that "an 85% interest in the entities which own and/or control the commercial utilization of the name, image and likeness of Elvis Presley, the operation of the Graceland museum and related attractions, as well as revenue derived from Elvis Presley's television specials, films and certain of his recorded musical works" are held by a corporation (the aforementioned CKX, Inc.). They also own "an 80% interest in the name, image, likeness and all other rights of publicity of Muhammad Ali and the rights to all existing Ali license agreements." (ir.ckx.com)

Elvis Presley was just a man. A man who died at the age of 42 thanks to an affinity for banana, bacon and peanut butter sandwiches and drugs. His professional life was guided (if not outright controlled) by "Colonel" Tom Parker, a man you would be hard pressed to find anything positive about.

Elvis Presley's looks and musical talents were exploited to craft a larger than life persona. That persona had little to say, however, during an era marked by "social upheaval" and artists, athletes and seemingly everyone else making political and social statements about the world around them.

So why worship a man who wore a gold lame suit and sequined jump suits?

My theory? There will always be people that need a golden calf to worship and there's no accounting for taste.

08/16/07 - Always Say "Never Again"

2007-08-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Vladas Zajanckauskas is 91 years old and he's having his life stripped away from him.

Two years ago he had his citizenship revoked and is now being ordered to leave the country. His wife, daughter, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (all U.S. citizens) will remain behind.

Just what did Zajanckauskas do to earn this ignominious ouster?

"Federal prosecutors said he was recruited into a Nazi-trained guard unit called "Trawniki men" and was on a roster of guard unit members whom the Nazi SS deployed to help capture Jews in the Warsaw ghetto to be removed to death camps."(AP/Rodrique Ngowi)

When he emigrated to the United States from Austria in 1950 he neglected to mention his service to the S.S. because he knew it would jeopardize his chances of being allowed to enter the country.

"Zajanckauskas, of Sutton, 40 miles west of Boston, denied he was in Warsaw at the time and said his service was limited to working the bar at the Nazi training camp in Trawniki, Poland."

It's a shame that his daughter and grandchildren and great-grand children have to watch their 91 year old patriarch shipped off to Lithuania with no family there to care for him in or attend to his medical needs.

It's also a shame that some 62 Million people had to die just to convince the Germans that Kraftwerk was a better idea than Kristallnacht.

So should Zajanckauskas be showed mercy? Should his advancing age and the time passed since World War II excuse the behavior of a young man that had been in the Lithuanian Army, The Soviet Army, a German POW and finally an accomplice of the Third Reich? Should his health concerns be taken into consideration? Should we take another step towards finally healing the global wounds opened by the wars of the 20th century.

No, no he should not.

It would be easy for me, a Jew, to think that it's my personal bias informing that opinion but I believe that the greater lesson of Nazi Germany is not that a great crime was perpetrated against the Jews, et al.; but who committed it and in what fashion.

I can understand why the occasional farbisener rolls their eyes and suggests that "the Jews get over it" but it should not be for our own sake that we say "Never Again". It should be for the sake of the world and particularly the "civilized nations" that have the means to carry out such atrocities writ large.

Darfur and Kurdistan are concerns today and the Armenian Genocide was ghastly but Germany was the home of some of the finest thinkers in the Western World. The birthplace of great art and philosophy. Beethoven, Bach, Freud, Einstein, Nietzsche... the list of artists, philosophers, scientists and luminaries in every field that came out of Germany in the recent past is vast.

That a country so proud of it's contribution to culture, refinement and exploration of body, mind and soul could be so quickly turned into a nation of hatred, fear and oppression is equally as horrifying as the unthinkable acts perpetrated by the men Mr. Zajanckauskas claims to have tended bar for. It is for this reason (and many others) that Mr. Zajanckauskas should be showed no mercy and why we should all remember the words "Never Again".

08/15/07 - Inner Peace

2007-08-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

It seems the neutrality loving nation of Switzerland (no foreign wars since 1815) is hiding a rather impressive collection of corpses buried beneath it's peace loving soil.

An amateur paleontologist in Switzerland may have unearthed Europe's largest dinosaur mass grave after he dug up the remains of two Plateosaurus...

"It could be that the area extends for 1.5 kilometers (0.9 miles) and in that case, you could certainly say it's the biggest site in Europe," said Martin Sander, a dinosaur paleontologist at the university of Bonn in Germany.

The Frick area contained the bones of one animal per 100 square meters, Sander said, so the entire area might contain bones of 100 more Plateosaurus. - CNN.com(Reuters)

I'm inclined to believe Mr. Sander... sure as the Swiss know from cocoa the Germans know from mass graves.

"Hold on Naysay... picking on the Germans is always good fun but just what the heck is a Plateosaurus anyway?"

Good question.THAT is a Plateosaurus.

"Good god man... are you so out of ideas that now you're going to pick on lizard that died out 200 Million years ago? You need a girlfriend."

While the details of my romantic life are indeed depressing I'm not writing today to call the Plateosaurus to task for it's comically short forearms or ridiculous name. No, today I'm here to quibble about the language used to describe the long necked beast.

"Well that sounds like a laugh riot. I guess I'll see you tomorrow... but probably not judging by your recent habit of skipping days."

I suppose I deserve that but I really didn't set out to talk about myself today. I want to talk about this article.

"Come off it... you LOVE talking about yourself... but I'll bite. What could you possibly have found wrong with this little story. It's not even 300 words long."

This passage right here.

The peaceful herbivore -- measuring up to 10 meters from head to tail -- roamed river deltas in large herds some 210 million years ago

"I'm lost. What could you possibly have found wrong with that?"

The word "peaceful." It's bad enough when people try to tell me that their dogs and cats "think they're people" but when anthropomorphizing extends to the realm of deeper character traits, and into supposedly unbiased reporting, then I must object.

I did some light reading on the Plateosaurus and I found no mention of it's docile nature or peaceful manner.

"You did some "light reading about the Plateosaurus"? Fuck. You need a hobby."

Charming.

No one has ever seen this animal. It's been dead longer than most people can imagine but whoever wrote this article has decided that they were peaceful. Based on what? The fact that they were herbivores? That's not reporting. That's an editorial and an irresponsible one at that.

Every animal can be urged to violence by hunger, fear or territorial disputes.

"Even your deaf and declawed 21 year old cat?"

Just because the Plateosaurus was an herbivore does not mean it was any more or less peaceful than a Turkey Hawk. They eat carrion and are "gentle and non-aggressive" whereas renowned vegetarians like the Hippopotamus are often claimed to be the "deadliest animal in Africa".

"So you're pissed because some hack added a word you don't like?"

I'm upset because little additions to stories, like that, betray a deeper bias or at least reveal sloppy thinking or editing. Why did the writer need to add the word "peaceful"? It's completely unverifiable, superfluous and presumptive.

"Jesus Christ... it's not that big a deal."

I don't know that Jesus and Dinosaurs have much in common but it SHOULD be a big deal. The media is responsible for conveying information and their objectivity is something we as a society should not only expect but demand. Language plays a huge part in shaping thoughts and certainly in framing topics of discussion and defining the world around us. It is these kinds of allowances that lead to larger presumptions and generalizations. It's no wonder then that the world is full of people so ready to believe most stereotypes that come their way.

"You're not SERIOUSLY trying to make the connection between an article about a dead lizard to racism and bigotry are you?"

Absolutely I am. Racism and bigotry are reached when fear, hatred and sometimes sheer intellectual laziness outweigh logic and rational thought. That's precisely what has happened here. The word "peaceful" was added to this story for no apparent reason. It's not based in fact or research. It's just a presumption but it goes out as "news".

"You need to lighten up. You're way off base here."

Am I? The fact that the story is about an extinct dinosaur doesn't mean the abuse of journalistic integrity is any less. We cringe at outdated descriptions of Native Americans as "savage" because we consider it a negative stereotype but there should be no "good stereotypes". To make sweeping generalizations about an entire race or species is to utter a falsehood. Particularly if you have limited (or no) experience with them yourself. The media should be held to higher standards than "regular folk" in conversational settings.

"Well I still think you're making a mountain out of a molehill."

Hey... it's my blog. I'll do what I want.

08/11/07 - Sex and the City... The Movie

2007-08-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

NO!

This movie is going to suck so abysmally. Yet you can almost hear millions of women all over the country pulling their heads out of the Hagen Daaz carton at the mention of Chris Noth reprising his role as "Mr. Big" (*Gasp! Squeal!*) in the forthcoming estrogen filled film for the fairer sex.

The film will no doubt shed some light on the big questions left when the series was cancelled. Namely... is living in Brooklyn a fate worse than hell, has the blond beat cancer to continue slutting it up well into her 60's and can a pretty WASP every TRULY be happy if she's married to a nebbishy, bald and pudgy Jew?

No, yes and no (according to leading studies).

Of course the most fascinating question is why anyone thinks Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive, charming or pleasant to look at or listen to but somehow I doubt they'll address that issue.

I was coerced into watching a few episodes of this show when it was running and, other than "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", I found it to be quite possibly the single most shallow bit of "entertainment" I had ever experienced. Were I ever to have a daughter I would not only forbid her from ever watching so much as a single episode, I would forbid her from ever using the four titular words in the same sentence unless to say "Sex and the City' is a blight upon humanity and the worst kind of 'style over substance' pap ever produced."

Any heterosexual male who willingly purchases a ticket to this movie should not only be ashamed of himself but also of his father and his father's father for doing such a piss poor job of teaching him values.

I guess you could say I'm just "not that into" it.

08/10/07 - The OId Man and the Zzz...

2007-08-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

In my sisyphean attempt to improve myself in all manners I made the decision to read "the classics". Those works of literature that are considered to be the hallmarks of Western Civilization. I started with Moby Dick mainly because I've been lugging a copy around for years in the hopes that people would think I had read it.

In spite of my early misgivings I wound up enjoying it, though I can't quite understand what makes it a "masterpiece".

The next few months were filled with plenty of reading but I strayed from my intent of sticking to "The Classics". I joined a book club, read a book widely recommended by friends and of course the new Harry Potter book came out.

So it was with great excitement that I returned to my reading list of historical standards.

I found a copy of The Old Man and the Sea and thought the quick novella would be just what I needed. Despite it's brevity... I still managed to fall asleep twice while reading it. The back cover promises a book written in "language of great simplicity and power." Well it was certainly simple. The language was so plain and straightforward that I longed for the long winded descriptive passages of Dickens that I have loathed in the past.

The dialog, both inner and outer, was so banal I thought my little sister might have written it and the main characters preoccupation with the New York Yankees and Joe DiMaggio is enough to make even the most ardent fan roll his eyes and blush.

A quick glance at some literary analysis shows the requisite comparisons to Christianity and over wrought exploration of mankind and his struggle with his own fleeting mortality.

Poppycock and horse shit. It was a story about an old man that catches a big honking fish and then has to watch as sharks eat it all.

It wasn't an unpleasant read... but hardly something I'd nominate for a Pulitzer Prize (which Hemingway won in 1953 due largely to the publication of The Old Man and the Sea). I think the message of the novella is summed up rather nicely in a bumper sticker I see every day as I'm walking my dog...

"Tough times never last. Tough people do."

And to think... it didn't take 127 pages to say.

08/03/07 - Spoilers

2007-08-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

I started watching LOST during Season Two.

I started watching Battlestar Galactica during Season Three.

I knew that Snape killed Dumbledore and that Harry lives to marry Ginny before reading about it for myself.

It was years after "The Crying Game" debuted that I finally got to see the offending anatomy.

In all that time I managed to never flail my arms and scream "LALALALALA DONT TALK ABOUT IT I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET AAAH LALALALALALA".

Not once.

I don't think that's an amazing accomplishment. I think it's because I'm not a prissy little bitch who thinks the world revolves around me and my precious DVR and busy busy schedule. I understand the joy of following a story and watching it "untainted" by forehand knowledge of the outcome. I've excused myself from conversations and rooms to avoid information about movies or television shows that I have yet to see.

I haven't asked a room full of people NOT to discuss something simply because I hadn't caught up yet.

That's the kind of self involved bullshit that has got to stop. One person commanding a group of people not to discuss last weeks episode because they haven't had a chance to watch it yet?

To borrow from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.... here's a spoiler for you... you're an asshole.

08/02/07 - Weston Cage

2007-08-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

Weston Cage is 16 years old.

What I'm about to say may sound harsh or overly critical in that context. It may be but I think it should be said because clearly his father isn't saying it nearly enough.

Weston Cage is the son of Nicolas Cage who is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola. His ticket into what ever career he wants is already purchased. He need only choose what life he wants and the world will most likely present it to him.

So he and his world famous father chose comic books.

Specifically the tragically named "Virgin Comics" (named so due to the financial backing of Sir Richard Branson and his Virgin Group Ltd., not because... well... you know...)

That's right. Comic books. And how does young Master Cage choose to appear in public to promote his foray into the world of pop literature?

Looking like every two bit cliché Goth Kid from any after school special you've ever seen or nightmare your prudish aunt has had about Satan worshiping rock bands.

He didn't always look like that of course. Two years ago he looked... well... normal.

When you hear the description and name of the character he and his father cooked up it becomes even more absurd.

The title of the new Cage Boys Book will be Voodoo Child. That's right. The Goth Kid came up with a character that is "a biracial teenage ghost who fights the evil of bigotry in post-Katrina New Orleans".

How fucking perfect is that? You couldn't make up this story if you tried... even if you were Weston Cage!!! Now sadly I'm too old to know if that's "emo" or "goth" or some other designation that scarred unhappy people drape over themselves in a sad pathetic search for a community that WON'T recognize what a fucking loser they are. What I DO know is that teenagers are retarded and don't know shit about anything. Especially if they are children of privilege.

The Cage family spends part of the year living in New Orleans but that is about as close as this lily white asshole comes to being able to relate to the struggle of minorities or the impoverished, not only in Louisiana but the entire fucking world. Speaking of the world... it seems young Mr. Cage has some insight to his beloved part time home.

"I love Europe, and I feel that New Orleans is the Europe of America".

Papa Cage already has his eye set on making the character into a film. No surprises here... Weston wants to play a villain.

08/01/07 - Self Awareness

2007-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Lewis Gordon Pugh is a long distance swimmer with a lot of spare time on his hands and he wants you to know about it. In the past Mr. Pugh has undertaken all sorts of historic swims (is "swims" the right word?) all over the world. He has been lauded for his ability to raise his own core body temperature before a swim, coining the phrase "anticipatory thermo-genesis". (Thanks wikipedia!)

Recently Mr. Pugh became the first human to complete a long distance swim at the "Geographic North Pole." He took his swim in water recorded at -1.8C (28.7F). Why would anyone undertake such a lunatic plunge?

Why to save The Earth of course.

"I hope my swim will inspire world leaders to take climate change seriously," Pugh said.

Most of the swims Mr. Pugh has undertaken seem to be in order to "raise awareness" for any number of ecological causes around the globe.

All of this is, of course, bullshit.

Anybody who lives in a first world nation and can hear about Mr. Pugh and his amazing feats of stupidity are already VERY AWARE of Global Warming. I won't begrudge people that want to make a difference in the world or give something back but there's a line you can cross between promoting your cause... and promoting yourself.

Who stands to benefit from this swim? Did he sell tickets?

I think not. Yet there he was on the set of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart promoting himself (and the environment) to anyone who would listen to his amazing story (about saving the planet).

Mr. Pugh is an amazing physical specimen who has impressive accomplishments to his credit that have taken him all over the globe. He is a dedicated athlete who clearly cares about his sport and pushing the boundaries of the human body. It's lovely that he cares about the environment as well... but who is he kidding? He swims because he's a swimmer. If someone were to invent a spray that would reverse any and all ecological damage mankind has wrought he would still be out in the Oceans paddling away like a madman. Perhaps he would find another cause to champion... or perhaps he would be forced to admit the TRUE calling that pushes him to dedicate his life to increasingly difficult swims.

Raising awareness for Lewis Gordon Pugh.

07/31/07 - Cultural Sensitivity

2007-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

I don't pretend to understand religious fundamentalism. I've been estranged from my Synagogue since I was 18. I've met Muslims in Palestine, Jews in Israel, Catholics in The Vatican and none of it resonates in me. I suppose I will never understand what could make someone willing to die, or worse, to kill for their religion.

The Taliban have killed two of the 23 South Korean church group members, there to provide volunteer medical aid, that they kidnapped on July 19th. They are demanding the release of "rebel prisoners". I'm not intimately familiar with American Military Intelligence or the Korean involvement in the "War on Terror" but I would hazard a guess that these 23 are well meaning people who were there to help.

I'm not even sure if The Taliban is truly about religion or just an expression of tribal loyalties, a yearning for "self governance", the frustration of the 'have-nots" or a concoction of all those factors. I just know that they disgust me. In March of 2001 the news broke that The Taliban were destroying cultural and artistic artifacts not only in the landscape of Afghanistan but also in it's museums. "In the weeks before the Taliban destroyed the giant Buddhas, they also entered the Kabul Museum wielding sledgehammers. They smashed 2,500 priceless artifacts stored there."(CNN.com Peter Bergen)

I won't ignore the role "The West" has played in forming the power structures in the Middle East or the exploitation that has occurred. Any rage that residents of Afghanistan may feel towards America and the Colonial Powers may well be deserved... but destroying artistic and historical collections and murdering innocent people who have come to help you renders conversations regarding cultural differences moot.

I don't know if the answer is more violence. I don't know if the answer is less violence. I just know that the answer isn't pretending that we can understand the kind of hate that would lead to such actions. The world is too small and too connected to allow for this kind of culture to prosper.

The Taliban has made it clear they will kill the remaining 21 hostages. I know it's foolish to say... but I hope they don't. Not just for the sake of the hostages or their families but for the sake of their own humanity.

07/30/07 - The Dog Days of Summer

2007-07-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a long list of things to accomplish.

Around 10am I got a little sleepy.

So I took a morning nap.

I woke up at a little past 7pm.

I have no idea how I was able to sleep that long but there went an entire day.

I suppose the lesson is never mix Benadryl, whiskey and humidity.

07/29/07 - The Simpsons Movie

2007-07-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been struggling with translating my thoughts into words. The ideas I have for some of the entries are too big to grasp properly. The "Sympathy For The Devil" was particularly disappointing. This is another one of those times.

I'd love to go through The Simpsons Movie and reference different episodes over the last 20 years that have dealt with the same material in a funnier, deeper or more subversive manner.

I'd love to quote every positive review the film has received and skewer the author for not having watched the film.

I'd love to have been insulted by the opening "joke" in the film that pokes fun at the audience and the film.

I'd love to point out all the crass moments that diluted the integrity of not only the film but also the audience.

I'd love to do all that but I've been so disgusted by The Simpsons in recent years that I just wasn't that upset about any of that.

In the South Park episode "Simpsons Already Did It" Trey Parker and Matt Stone seemed answer the criticism that they are just a rip off of the Simpsons.

What then is The Simpsons Movie? Can you plagiarise yourself?

The Simpsons Movie was so bland, boring and inconsequential I can't imagine anyone being amused by this collection of played out themes, used up gags and rehashed character arcs.

Lisa loves the environment. Bart needs a role model. Homer can be redeemed.

Ned Flanders probably received the most original and sincere treatment of all the characters in the film and that was crassly discarded during the pointlessly set up finale. When Homer first rode the motorcycle around the spherical cage to win the family transportation to Alaska I thought it was a poorly thought out and executed plot point. After seeing why it was really included I feel even stronger about it.

To call this movie "witty", "subversively hilarious", "irreverent, satirical" or "fleet, concise and clever" (as a sampling of critics did) would be to tell a lie. This movie was never witty. Never subversive. It may have been irreverent but the satire was flimsy at best. Concise and clever? If anything it was meandering, simple and shallow.

I thought the most telling moment was during the glimpse of the Itchy & Scratchy Movie (a movie within a movie? How Shakespearean). The tongue in cheek irony of the insanely violent cartoon-in-a-cartoon was gone (and has been for years). Instead the audience roared with laughter as more and more cruelty was heaped upon Scratchy.

That's funny? That's the kind of humor we should expect from the show that brought us episodes like "Last Exit To Springfield", "Cape Feare" and "TREEHOUSE OF HORROR V"?

I could go on and on but it would be as pointless as The Simpsons Movie.

If Groening and company needed money to make the upcoming Futurama projects I would have gladly contributed my $10 to the cause rather than sit through that extended episode of The Simpsons.

07/28/07 - Andrew Kreitz (The Retraction)

2007-07-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

On June 19th I wrote a blog detailing my disgust with Andrew Kreitz.

http://drnaysay.blogspot.com/2007/06/061807-andrew-kreitz.html

Much to my surprise Andrew was good enough to leave a comment apologizing for being so irritating.

I contacted Mr. Kreitz and he was good enough to reply even though I had unfairly lambasted him.

Allow me to state my new position on Andrew Kreitz.

Andrew Kreitz is a GOD AMONG MEN and should be recognized as such. I wish him all the best in his future endeavors which I am sure will be just as impressive as his accomplishments to this point (they are many).

Thank you for having a sense of humor Andrew.

The next time your friends give you shit for missing the Thatcher question ask them about the last time Dr. Naysay wrote about them.

When they give you a blank stare get "all up in their grill" and scream "THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES!!!"

07/27/07 - When The Lights Go Down

2007-07-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Everybody's Favorite Google Employee rang me up today wanting to know if I'd be interested in taking in a flick down at the local cineplex. Ordinarily I try and shy away from leaving the house (except to walk the rug) but I agreed. We thought catching a 1pm show would spare us the indignity of mingling with the public.

We were sorely mistaken.

The afternoon screening was surprisingly well attended.

After the requisite half hour of previews and commercials the lights went down and the movie started.

Now... I've been familiar with the characters featured in the film for about 18 years but somehow I managed to refrain from shrieking out their names as soon as they appeared.

I was also able to subdue the urge to holler out quotes from 15 years ago.

The gentleman behind us was not so capable.

I snapped the only thing I could come up with (which was mighty lame) to shut him up and it seemed to do the trick. I won't bother you with the details of what I said (I would be too embarrassed) but I want to make sure everyone understands... You don't get to shout out whatever idiotic thing pops into your head when your at the movies.

I paid money to come and be entertained by the movie. NOT by you. Even when I was an impulsive youth I understood this basic premise. Exclamations of emotion are one thing but an attempt to steal attention away from or add to the rich texture of the film are not welcome and I'm tired of sitting idly by and letting loud mouthed jack asses ruin my afternoon away from my cave.

When the lights go down... shut the fuck up.

07/26/03 - The Death of Comedy

2007-07-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

2007 was accurately dubbed "The Summer of the Sequel". With the Spider-man, Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek, Ocean's, and Bourne franchises all getting their 3rd installment. Not to mention Die Hard 4, Fantastic Four 2, Harry Potter 5 and new installments of (blank) Almighty, Resident Evil, Hostel and Saw.

Joining the crowd were films that are sequels in their own right if not maintaining the same continuity. Transformers, The Simpsons Movie (much more on that later) and Hairspray just to name a few.

I have already seen too many of the movies previously mentioned and I'll probably wind up seeing more in the future. I left one movie off the list because there is no way in hell I am paying money to watch it.

I'm not a huge fan of panning something I've never seen, but having seen Rush Hours 1 & 2 I feel like I've seen this film. Twice. Two times too many.

Chris Tucker was funny in Friday. Then amusing in The Fifth Element. Then gating in Money Talks. Then dead in Jackie Brown. After that he has not appeared in anything but Rush Hour films. Bret Ratner has made... X-Men 3. Jackie Chan is over 50.

This movie is going to be terrible. People will eat it up.

I know a lot of people will always forgive Tucker due to his turn as "Smoky" in Friday. No one wants to extend the same courtesy to O.J. Simpson even though... and let's be perfectly clear about this... Rush Hour 3 will be far worse than a double homicide.

07/25/07 - Crimes Against Humanity

2007-07-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

According to The Rome Statute Explanatory Memorandum (according to Wikipedia) Crimes Against Humanity are defined as crimes that

"are particularly odious offences in that they constitute a serious attack on human dignity or grave humiliation or a degradation of one or more human beings. They are not isolated or sporadic events, but are part either of a government policy (although the perpetrators need not identify themselves with this policy) or of a wide practice of atrocities tolerated or condoned by a government or a de facto authority. However, murder, extermination, torture, rape, political, racial, or religious persecution and other inhumane acts reach the threshold of crimes against humanity only if they are part of a widespread or systematic practice. Isolated inhumane acts of this nature may constitute grave infringements of human rights, or depending on the circumstances, war crimes, but may fall short of meriting the stigma attaching to the category of crimes under discussion."

I would argue that the following men are guilty of some of the most heinous crimes against humanity even if they don't meet the previous definition.

Joel Shumacher.
His crime? He directed Batman & Robin. There is simply no excuse for such monstrous behavior.

Mark Steven Johnson.
He not only directed the flaming turdball "Daredevil" but he also WROTE the piece of shit as well. Shame on you Mr. Johnson.

Taika Cohen
It hurts me to accuse of fellow Member Of The Tribe but this auteur is responsible for Eagle Vs. Shark, the painful Kiwi homage to that wretched piece of crap Napoleon Dynamite. The only person who might be worse than him is...

Jared Hess.
The father of Napoleon Dynamite has a lot to answer for. That meandering go nowhere piece of shit movie robbed me of 82 minutes, when I watched it, and countless hours of listening to every slack jawed asshole trying to mimic the protagonist's allegedly hilarious patois.

If those men are guilty of Crimes Against Humanity (and you'd better believe they are) then the following cabal is worse than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot having a j-ello pudding orgy.

Bryan Singer
I know it's déclassé to pick on gay orphans but this is the guy that turned Superman into a creepy stalker at best and a date raping dead beat at worst.

Paul Haggis
Like Taiko Cohen, I share ancestry with Mr. Haggis. This Canadian taught us all that by exploiting racism and melodrama you can win a slew of awards and be considered a genius even if what you made was a steaming pile of crap.

And last but not least...

The granddaddy of them all....

The Single Worst Human Being Ever.

The (original) Star Wars trilogy was overrated to begin with but the "new" old movies are so outrageously bad they threaten to ruin not only the art of film making but all of Western Civilization with it.

Jar Jar Binks, Ewoks, Incest, twins separated at birth... give me a fucking break. If it weren't for the special effects team and some influence from Joseph Campbell there would be no Trek vs. Wars debate. It would be the Federation over the Rebels every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Look in your heart. You know it to be true.

07/24/07 - Tyra Banks

2007-07-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

I don't understand women.

I realize that may not come as a shock to many of you but if you look at the legions of fans that women like Rosie O'Donnell or Tyra Banks can command it's frightening.

A while back there were some unflattering photos of Tyra Banks published in a tabloid magazine.

The photos caused a "shitstorm" of negative publicity (if such a thing exists) claiming that Tyra had gotten *gasp* fat.

Here's the picture in case you never saw it.

Now call me shallow, call me mean (just don't call me late for dinner) but she's looking a little chunky when compared to... oh I don't know... let's say....

THIS

So what did Miss Banks do? She went on her talk show (cleverly named "The Tyra Banks Show") wearing the same bathing suit (looking like she might have puked up a few months worth of meals) and berated the press for making women feel bad about their figure.

The woman who made a career and a fortune by being an impossible standard of feminine beauty actually had the stones to chastise other people for noticing she was letting herself go. Here's a clip. Watch as her voice starts to crack near her "triumphant" closing declaration.

"Kiss my FAT ASS!"

On one particular occasion I happened to catch her interviewing Nicole Ritchie. The fact that neither woman has anything even remotely valuable to say is, oddly, NOT what made me throw the remote at the television. It was a distraught Ms. Ritchie's complaining that the media picks on her too much for being so skinny and that no celebrities are mocked for being over weight.

Instead of punching her in the face and kicking her in the head while she was on the floor Banks just let her continue. I don't know what came next because I was screaming too loudly at the television but I'm sure it was something mind numbingly stupid.

07/23/07 - Raw Foodism

2007-07-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

I only recently found out about this phenomenon. It seems there are a number of people who only eat food that hasn't been cooked. The maximum temperature food can be heated before it's considered "cooking" is somewhere between 92 and 118 degrees Fahrenheit.

This nonsense has got to stop.

Vegetarians, vegans... now this?

I know what a lot of you are saying right now...

"What do I care if someone wants to be a Raw Foodist?"

I'll tell you why you care. The kind of person who becomes a Raw Foodist or a Vegan is an extremist. To say that you categorically will NOT eat food that has been cooked is madness. To turn your back on meat betrays a larger philosophy.

I have a number of friends that are many varying degrees of vegetarian including some who are full Vegans and a few who have dabbled in Raw Foodism. Almost all of them claim that they don't want to push their dietary restrictions on anybody else. They swear that it is simply a personal decision. While they may keep their self righteous mouths shut while you gorge yourself on a Big Mac or a Gordita Supreme you can be sure that behind those beady judgmental eyes of theirs they are nauseated. They can't help but be sickened by your vacuous consumption of untold millions of "toxins" and "poisons". No doubt if they believed in God (rest assured they do not) they would be praying every night that you not contract colon cancer from all the red meat you eat.

The statistics they can provide at the drop of a hat to support their decision is, as expected, staggering. Did you know that 64.5 percent of U.S. adults, age 20 years and older, are overweight and 30.5 percent are obese?!

They do and they're just dying to let you know. In principle they are lovely people who just want what's best for you.

Just like every other kind of extremist.

07/22/07 - Don't Be Stupid

2007-07-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not a particularly well educated man. I don't have any advanced degrees and it's shocking how many important books I've never read. In fact the closest thing I have to a college degree is the license I got to be a professional bounty hunter 8 years ago.

I never hunted a single bounty... but I could have.

Maybe it's that lack of formal indoctrination that allows me to read e-mails and not automatically believe whatever they contain... but I like to think it's because I'm not fucking retarded.

It's staggering how many erroneous messages wind up in my in-box week to week.

Missing children that aren't missing... warnings about a virus that doesn't exist... litters of puppies that were born 8 years ago....

Dozens if not hundreds of messages kept alive by the "forward" option and people that never bother to question the information put in front of them.

This is the latest...

[Collected via e-mail, July 2007]

Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August.

It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.

Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again.

Now... I'm no astronomer... but... if Mars LOOKED as large as the full moon we'd all be FUCKED because Mars is SUPPOSED to be 55,758,006 km away and the moon is only 384,403 km away.

You don't have to know those numbers to know that Mars looking like the Moon should be impossible. Mars usually looks like a star. The Moon looks like the Moon.

I know Mars DID come as close to the Earth as it had in 60,000 years or so... in August of 2003. As far as it's appearance... well yes... it WOULD have looked as big as a full moon if you happened to be looking at it through a scope with 75-power magnification.

Just how do I know all that you might ask?

THE INTERNETS STUPID!!!

I read the message about Mars looking like the Moon to the naked eye and I thought to myself, "Self, I bet this dumb shit message has been circulating like wildfire lately... better check out Snopes.com."

Snopes.com is a website that researches and archives all those curious little urban legends and stories that get passed around and around.

Some of them are true... plenty of them aren't.

Of course that assumes that everything you read on SNOPES is true... which you SHOULDN'T do and they make that point themselves.

So... in conclusion.

Don't be stupid.

07/21/07 - The Unthinkable

2007-07-21T12:00:00.001-07:00

I've adopted a lot of new habits lately.

My favorite is walking the dog to the nearest park and lying on my back while he runs around like an idiot sniffing and pissing on every tree, brush and light post he can find.

Scooter (that's his name) and I walk two, sometimes three, times a day to the park and take a long winding route back home. Neighborhood kids know his name and most people seem to agree that he's a pretty sweet natured guy. He's also curiously handsome. Just like me. (Yes, Mel, that was for you)

When we arrived at the park tonight there was a father reading a magazine while his two children played in the sand. When the younger of the two boys approached us I didn't think anything of it. He was a red haired boy no older than 8. I have two little sisters under the age of 10 and I've witnessed firsthand all sorts of bizarre communications between parents and children but I was STUNNED when this father started calling to his son in exactly the same way call to my dog. I waited to see what the reaction would be but there was none. The ginger haired boy made a sequence of noises that can best be described as honks, hums and growls as he roughly grabbed a patch of skin on my dogs back and shook it.

Fortunately, as I previously mentioned, Scooter is an incredibly sweet and patient dog and made no reaction to the tough love he was receiving. The father quickly grabbed his son and dragged him away. I proceeded to the far corner of the park where I do my best cloud watching and let Scooter of the leash.

From time to time Scooter likes to try and rouse me out of my revery and I'll chase him, or be chased by him, before collapsing again to hunt for more rabbits in the sky. As I sat up to receive his first visit of the evening I saw the red headed kid bounding towards us. Honking, gurgling and bleating the whole way. As soon as he reached us he set on Scooter and began grabbing at his fur again. I was shocked Scooter didn't bite his hand off but he was just as calm and patient.

The father continued to call to his son like a misbehaving dog and the son continued to ignore him and make his cryptic sounds. I felt a natural urge to try and communicate with the boy but in my limited experience with autistic children I've learned that unexpected things can agitate them so I merely sat on the grass and waited for the father to retrieve his child. He apologized profusely and explained that sometimes he "can just get out of control".

I thought for a second about pointing to the dog and cracking "so can he", but I had no idea if that would be considered insulting. That's when I started thinking about the unthinkable...

I'm sure that father loves his son. By his own admission he can't "control" his son. No parent can truly "control" their children but his embarrassed apology raised a horrifying thought in my mind. Today it was a small white dog that grabbed his son's attention. What kind of life will they have when he gets older? If "the unexamined life is not worth living" then what is the life lived without the ability to communicate or grow?

Someday that father will die. Who will care for his son when that happens? I'm sure he will have family members that will dutifully care for him but is that fair to any of them? What if there ISN'T anyone to take care of him?

In the end, of course, I had to abandon those thoughts. I could only watch with sympathy as the father hoisted his son onto his shoulders and continued reading his magazine while his son chirped and clucked into the night air.

07/20/07 - Baseball Fans

2007-07-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Barry Bonds is not a nice man. That's the message baseball fans and "The Media" have been howling for years. He's surly, crude, arrogant and a cheater. He's certainly not the first professional athlete to meet these criteria but he's the first in a long time who's accomplishments threaten the overwrought hyperbole that baseball fans love so dearly.

America's pastime is about to conquered by a villain.

Sentences like that are being published in newspapers and magazines and hollered from television sets and radios all across the county. Every two bit journalist and pundit wants to decry the accomplishments of Barry Lamar Bonds.

I am a "casual fan" (if such a thing can exist... I argue that it cannot) of Major League Baseball. Every time I have seen Bonds interviewed or heard excerpts of his post game statements he does indeed sound like an ass. The editorial process may have something to do with that... or perhaps he really is as sour and prickly as everyone says. I don't care.

Baseball fans live in a world only a child could imagine. A world where the great athletes are gods. Perfect role models whose impressive feats on the field should be equaled by their magnanimity off it. Records are considered "sacred". Yankee Stadium even has it's own Monument Park. Baseball prides itself on tradition. On a strong relationship with it's glorious past. Just not so's you'd really notice it.

Jackie Robinson is hailed as a hero of the game and the nation. In 1997 MLB retired #42 (meaning no player may ever wear it again) in his honor. What baseball did NOT do is recognize that every game played before Jackie Robinson made his debut in 1947 might be considered null and void for the purposes of record keeping. Nor do they seem interested in wondering what the Designated Hitter Rule has done to the game. Half the teams play by different rules than the other half. How on earth can you make an argument for fair competition when considering these hallowed records? What of night games? Expansion? Inclement weather? The World Series of 1919 proves that throwing games was being attempted almost 100 years ago. To listen to Baseball fans you'd think not a single thing had changed in their game since Alexander Cartwright wrote the first rules of baseball in 1845.

Barry Bonds may one day reveal that he used steroids. Or perhaps a court of law will make the revelation for him. He is currently under investigation by the federal government on charges of perjury related to his testimony regarding steroid use. Even if that were the case it should make little difference to the record books. If there is a "steroid era" then let it carry the same weight as the "segregation era" or the "expansion era". Baseball has a blemished and spotty record when it comes to "fairness" and "honor" amongst it's historical figures. So does America. The sooner we acknowledge that and stop trying to pretend that the sins of the past were never committed the sooner we can properly celebrate the accomplishments of the present.

Sometime very soon Barry Bonds is going to break Hank Aaron's Career Home Run Record of 755. Without the Designated Hitter Rule, night games, advances in medicine and 80+ years of segregation... who knows what that record might have been.

07/19/07 - Improving On Perfection

2007-07-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I don't want to hear anything about graphics, processing speed or any other arguments about the superiority of modern video gaming consoles.

I've owned a Sega Genesis, a Nintendo 64 and a Playstation 2. I've had friends who have owned the NES, Super Nintendo, Playstation, PS3, X Box, Game Cube and even the TurboGrafx-16.

I've seen video games evolve from this

to this

After all that evolution, all those upgrades and all that hype... there's still one game that, pound for pound, was the beats them all hands down.

That's right...

You can race. You can battle. You can battle WHILE you race. The controls are simple. Johnny Stab found and bought this wonderful game on eBay recently and we've been rediscovering just how much fun it is. This is simply the best game in the history of games. Chess has NOTHING on this bitch.

I'm told that this game only got better once it graduated to the more advanced consoles... well I don't believe it.

After all... how do you improve upon perfection?

07/18/07 - Sympathy For The Devil

2007-07-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith

I don't know the first thing about Pro Wrestling. Generally speaking I think Pro Wrestling is pretty ridiculous. I smile a private smile every time I hear about the WWE, knowing that they lost their lawsuit with the World Wildlife Fund over the "WWF" moniker. Vince McMahon always struck me as a clown and everything I've ever heard about him makes him sound like a despicable man. I try to be open minded but whenever I hear about wrestling fans I see a 12 year old kid with a chipped tooth and a rat tail wearing an old faded yellow "Airwolf" t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. I don't even know if a shirt like that ever existed. That's just the image in my head.

On Tuesday June 26th the news broke that Chris Benoit, a professional wrestler, had hanged himself after strangling his wife and suffocating their 7 year old son after sedating him. It's believed that he killed his family over the course of the weekend before killing himself on Monday and it's been reported that he sent text messages to friends. Almost immediately after the news broke people started trying to understand what could have led a man to slaughter his own family in such a methodical way.

Barry Bonds and Floyd Landis have made sure that steroids and other "performance enhancing" drugs are in the forefront of any conversation regarding pretty much any sport. Even fake ones. So naturally EVERYONE wanted to know if what happened could be blamed on steroids.

I have to believe that there was something so horribly wrong with Chris Benoit that to boil it down to "steroids caused this" is beyond irresponsible and foolish. People were so quick to try and explain the inexplicable they grasped at whatever was handy. Benoit was a wrestler... wrestlers take steroids... steroids can cause "roid rage"... STEROIDS KILLED CHRIS BENOIT AND HIS FAMILY. Of course there was the requisite outrage directed towards not only Benoit but also the WWE, McMahon and all of society in general for condoning steroid use and corrupting the youth of America.

I feel terrible for Nancy and Daniel Benoit. I feel terrible for Chris Benoit too. To kill his own wife and son Benoit must have been absolutely lost in sickness and despair. People don't like to think about that for some reason. Though we pride ourselves on our compassion and mercy we frequently demonize and vilify those whose misery and illness leads them to horrible acts. I'm not advocating pardons for those like Benoit (those that survive) but to hear people speak of him as an "asshole" or to hear people refer to Susan Smith as a "heartless bitch" is shocking.

Rather than take the opportunity to examine humanity and learn from others misfortune they decide to blame goblins, witches or in today's world... steroids. Chris Benoit tragically lost his battle with his inner demons... there but for the grace of god go we all.

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

07/17/07 - Animal Abuse & Moral Outrage

2007-07-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling this won't be a popular entry...

Contrary to popular belief... dogs are NOT people.

No amount of clothing you dress them in can accomplish that transformation either.

In fact the only animals that are people... are people.

I'll give you a minute to let that information sink in. I know it can be disconcerting to a lot of folks these days. Particularly couples that don't have kids.

I'm no fan of people that over indulge their pets (or themselves via their pets) but neither am I a fan of those that abuse, neglect or otherwise mistreat animals and judging by some of the outfits I've seen dogs wearing there is clearly some overlap between the two.

This distaste raises an issue of moral inconsistency. Why should I turn a cold shoulder to people who neglect or abuse their animals? Wasn't the chicken I had for dinner tonight neglected to a certain degree? I should think that being plucked and decapitated would register as abuse if someone did it to a parakeet.

Why is it so different when we hear about Michael Vick being indicted by a grand jury on "charges of sponsoring a dog fighting operation so grisly the losers either died in the pit or sometimes were electrocuted, drowned, hanged or shot." Why should we be outraged at cockfights when we refer to Horse Racing as "The Sport of Kings?" Where is the "majesty" in watching midgets whip beasts of labor around a dirt oval? I'm no expert in equine medicine but it seems to me that Barbaro (ridiculously dubbed the "Nation's Horse) was put down as a result of his "career". I wonder if anyone properly explained to him the inherent risks in chasing such lofty goals.

Before you begin composing a defense of horse racing in your mind let me make one thing clear. I love horse racing. I try to keep the barbaric nature of the entire industry and experience in perspective however. There's a certain thrill in all forms of gambling and whenever I visit a racetrack I get the same giddy feeling I used to get when I would cut class... but that doesn't excuse it as a practice.

I'm not about to stop going to the track a few times a year anymore than I'm going to stop eating chickens and cows and the occasional pig. I've reached a comfortable point of not caring about the welfare of those anonymous animals that wind up on my plate. It's similar to the void in my heart regarding the plight of starving children in Africa or my concerns for the environment. I can muster up a concerned frown and a furrowed brow when confronted with the topic at a dinner party but I'm not about to inconvenience myself terribly to much about it.

That's just who I am at this point in my life.

I would like to think that I couldn't be friends with someone who ran a dog fighting ring but I know I've been friends with people who bred and raised fighting cocks (sexual jokes to a minimum please). His name was Norman but we all called him "Boogie" and he was a completely sensible guy. He just "liked fightin' chickens".

The reason I bring all this up is due to the wave of public condemnation about to come crashing down on Mr. Vick. I've no particular love for Mr. Vick, or any other multimillionaires that have been exalted well beyond the scope of their meager accomplishments by a media eager to capitalize on their fabricated glory, but I can't help but wonder how many of the people who will rush to decry his behavior could muster a defense of their own lifestyles should they be scrutinized as closely as Mr. Vick's. I'm by no means offering up a defense for Vick. In my "humble" opinion dog fighting is a completely barbaric and despicable pastime indulged in by savages and monsters... but I'm a white guy from suburban America.

Should culture be taken into consideration in cases like this? Plenty of people will drag up Vick’s past legal troubles and his reputation as a “ne’er do well”. There will be the usual hand wringing about indulged celebrities and athletes who think they are above the law. All these complaints are perfectly valid. Celebrities are overindulged. Many athletes probably do feel as if they are free from reproach and while I sincerely hope that Michael Vick is cut from the Falcons and suspended by the NFL if he’s found guilty I’m going to try to maintain an unbiased opinion about his moral fiber. I know for a fact that through my direct or indirect action countless animals (and likely people) have lived pointless miserable lives only to have them snuffed in horrible ways. From the food I’ve eaten to the leather I’ve worn to the gas I put in my car. It all comes at a price.

So am I really a better person than Michael Vick because of the layers of separation between me and the slaughter?

I honestly don’t know.

07/16/07 - I'm An Idiot

2007-07-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hello.

My name is Dr. Naysay and I'm a recovering collector.

I'm not sure when, but some time in the early 90's my mother's boyfriend gave me a stack of comic books. I don't know where he bought them or how he picked them out... but there were two of them that I remember reading to this day.

One was Batman #454, part three of the Dark Knight/Dark City story, which completely blew my 12 year old mind.

The other was Green Lantern #12, the conclusion of the "A Guy and His G'Nort" storyline.

That was it. I was hooked. I immediately went and bought as many old Green Lantern comics as I could. I'm not sure what it was that attracted me to the characters but I channeled all the energy that had once been devoted to remembering all the dinosaurs and Greek Gods into learning which Green Lanterns patrolled which Sectors (there are 3600 of them), the real names of all of Batman's Rogues (Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot!) and making sure I had every copy I could afford bagged, sealed and in it's proper order.

In a few short years I had spent the bulk of my Bar Mitzvah money on Comic Books, and sadly, Comic Book paraphernalia.

What IS Comic Book paraphernalia you may ask?

Well during the "boom" in the 90's a number of brilliant, but cynical, people came up with dozens and dozens of gimmicks to bilk stupid kids like me out of our parents money. POGs, Comic Cards, WHO'S WHO issues, new & improved storage methods, Mylar bags, cardboard long boxes.... the list was endless. In the end there were a few truly heinous conventions of the industry that, as I got older, I could no longer stomach.

Exhibit A : The Comic Card
They're like baseball cards... only instead of listing stats on the back and recognizing the accomplishments of real human beings they simply tell origin stories and line the coffers of the Comic Industry. Despite the fact that there are relatively few "lineup changes" in the world of comics... they managed to put out a new series every year for at least three or four years that I'm aware of.

The WORST part of course was that they made "hologram cards" that would cause you to buy pack after pack of useless Blue Beetles and The Absorbing Man in the hopes of finding a Hologram Lobo or Magneto.

Exhibit B : The Variant Cover

X-Men #1, for example, was released with FIVE separate covers. Four single covers and a fifth that folded out to show you what the other four combined to show (pictured above). The story inside each was identical. I bought all five. There were also holographic covers, chromium covers, embossed covers.... ugh. I get a headache just thinking about it.

Exhibit C : The Cross-Over Mega Event That Will Change The Universe... FOREVER!!!
Don't ask. If you don't already know... consider yourself lucky.

Exhibit D : Image Comics
A group of artists (Jim Lee, Todd McFarlane, Rob L... aw who am I kidding you don't care) left Marvel Comics to form their own company where they could control their own creations.

I think I bought every #1 issue that Image put out for two years. I wish I could say that I, foolishly, thought I was being a savvy investor but the truth is I was just satisfying the need to collect.

I remain convinced to this day that most of the allure of comic collecting is competitive. Maybe I'm just projecting my own childhood insecurities onto a large group of people... but if you get a chance you should listen to Comic fans arguing and tell me it doesn't sound like a fight between a Yankee fan and Red Sox fan. Admittedly with more speech impediments and use of words like "alternate dimensions" and "pwnage" (again... don't ask).

Exhibit E : The Death Of...

Not only did Superman #75 come with two different covers but one of them came with a memorial armband, a copy of his headstone, a (really piss poor) copy of the front page of the Daily Planet AND the Comic Book all sealed in a black bag bearing the S-Shield (pictured).

Like an idiot... I bought 5 copies the day it came out and more later.

The powers that be weren't done.

Killing Superman was fine... but they also decided to break Batman's back.

The defining moment came shortly after. It didn't cause me to stop collecting comics right then and there but it was the beginning of the end.

They fucked with Green Lantern. Specifically, they made him an insane killer and a villain for one of the aforementioned Cross-Over Mega Events That Will Change The Universe... FOREVER!!!

If you're still reading at this point... thank you. I know that can be boring as hell.

The reason I walked you through all that is to demonstrate that I consciously turned my back on all of that nonsense years ago. I stopped collecting not only comic books, but hockey cards, CDs, DVDs and anything else that I had used acquired merely to have acquired them.

The cost of acquiring THINGS had long since outweighed the joy and value of owning them.

This weekend I paid almost $10 to watch Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix. I had already read the book. I knew the story, knew how it ended and knew that massive edits would have to be made to save time and budget.

So why did I pay good money to watch it? So that I could see Gary Oldman on screen for all of five minutes? To pretend that I'm NOT attracted to the 17 year old Emma Watson?? No... the only conclusion that I can come to is that I am an idiot.

Between The Transformers, Spider-Man 3, all 5 Harry Potter movies and countless others I have managed to spend another small fortune on the remnants of "collecting".

There is something inside me that will not LET me pass up watching these movies. A competitive need to have experienced every possible manifestation of those characters that I loved, no matter how contrived or cynical the experience.

I am an idiot.

07/11/07 - Saying Nay For The Sake Of The Lay (Folk)

2007-07-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Righteous Indignation certainly has it's place in my world but being negative just for the sake of being negative taxes the soul.

There is one thing one has to have: either a soul that is cheerful by nature, or a soul made cheerful by work, love, art, and knowledge.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

For the sake of a "Nay of the Day" I'd love to tell you that my day spent serving Jury Duty was a miserable experience. In fact it was an incredibly pleasant day. I had three delicious meals, spent most of my time sitting in the shade on a 6th floor patio with a view of the Pacific Ocean. When I wasn't reading I was chatting with an old friend who happened to be called on the same day. I spent my lunch break hanging out with Dr. G. I got phone calls from The Man Eater, Mrs. Rock Star and The Flying Hawaiian gave me a wonderful boost of confidence in a nice afternoon chat. I even managed to sneak in 3.2 miles with the dog.

I named this little ditty Nay of the Day because it rhymed, made my chuckle and was in keeping with my reputation as being curmudgeonly beyond my years. My blood will always boil when I hear people talking about ghosts as if they were real and for God's sake please don't try to defend Superman Returns (you're still dead to me Mr. Singer) but I just can't force the negativity. I don't want to and it isn't interesting to read when I do (in my "humble" opinion). So from hear on out you can expect to see some less than hateful thoughts flowing from my fingers.

I hope it won't cause you to stop reading... because while I may not drink the Haterade everyday I remain, as always, your faithfuly insecure attention whore.

07/10/07 - Avoiding Jury Duty

2007-07-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Unlike most of you I've been longing to be called for Jury Duty since the day I was old enough to serve. Well I finally got my notice and I'm thrilled. I truly hope to be placed on a Jury even if it's the single most boring thing I ever do.

Sadly not everybody shares my enthusiasm for jurisprudence.

Daniel Ellis (of Falmouth, Massachusetts) went to rather unorthodox lengths to get out of Jury Duty and may face perjury charges as a result.

"On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, Ellis wrote that he didn't like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with Nickerson."(AP)

I can't help but chuckle at the balls on this guy. When questioned about his questionnaire he told the judge

"I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it," Ellis added.

"I'm sorry?" Nickerson said.

"I said I'm frequently found to be a liar," Ellis replied.

"So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked.

"Well, I don't know. I might be," was the response.(AP)

I'd applaud the guy for his honesty... but he just claimed to be a liar.

At any rate this clown is now facing the possibility of perjury and other charges. I'm reminded of the Dave Chappelle sketch "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong".

07/09/07 - For One More Day by Mitch Albom

2007-07-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

I had never read anything by Mitch Albom before this weekend.

I will never read anything by him again.

I recently agreed to participate in a book club/wine tasting in an attempt to broaden my horizons and expand my social life beyond walking the dog (who knows more people than I do at this point) and hanging out with Everyone's Favorite Google Employee.

This month the book was For One More Day. I went to Borders to buy a copy only to discover that the 200 page pamphlet retails for $21.95.

I'm not paying $22 for a skinny little book that I'm only going to read once. So I checked Amazon.com.

$14.93 for a copy of Por Un Dia Mas

$12.07 for a copy of For One More Day

Since I don't habla espanol and I thought time would an issue I decided against internet buying.

So I strolled into my local library and checked out a copy. Three hours later I was done reading it.

It was the literary equivalent of The Sixth Sense. Boring, boring, boring, dead people, boring, boring, more dead people, boring, ooh a twist ending.... that's boring.

Anyone who has a family or was raised in America in the 20th century (a small constituency to be sure) would likely see parallels to their own life in this pablum but there was very little actual insight. It was almost as if Albom tried to strike every emotional chord possible.

In the end I suppose the book is about parents and children and since I have no children perhaps the true significance of the story is lost on me... but as Albom writes "There's a story behind everything" and I suspect the story behind this book was dollar signs. The fact that ABC will be airing "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Mitch Albom's For One More Day, the movie", in December 2007 only cements that theory in my mind.

Next on my reading list is The Divine Comedy.

I hope it's more fun than Moby Dick and For One More Day.

07/08/07 - The Running of the Bulls

2007-07-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ernest Hemingway be damned.... this is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever heard off.

Every year during The festival of San Fermín thousands of dopes test their mettle by charging down an 800 meter route while being chased by a herd of stampeding bulls, the LIGHTEST of which weighed over 1,400 lbs.

Two people were gored and seven more were crushed by the bulls in todays running in Pamplona, Spain. While there have been no deaths since 1995 there have been plenty of injuries. Many of them caused by humans desperately trying to escape the bulls.

This is just beyond idiotic. I fully appreciate wanting to "test" yourself against nature and your fellow man. I understand the need for a rush of adrenaline. I have frequently touted the philosophy that if you can remember having done something then it was worth it.

This is an exception.

07/04/07 - Losing Perspective

2007-07-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's easy to ignore those things that are most precious in life. With the explosion of technology and prosperity that we are fortunate enough to be surrounded by it's too often that we take for granted the truly wonderful things that life has to offer.

This morning I walked the dog down to the local park and as he was gleefully rolling around in the sea of grass I took a moment to lie down at stare at the clouds. An act I haven't performed for years. It was wonderful. All I could see were blue skies, green tree tops, white clouds and the occasional bird flying by. My peaceful moment was interrupted when the dog decided I had been on my back long enough and started drooling on my face. Man's best friend is nothing if not persistent.

Later that day I found myself wrestling in a swimming pool with Everyone's Favorite Google Employee, The Jewish Doctor and El Grand Don Stroko while the girlfriends and wives watched from the safety of the hot tub. There was beer, tequila, beef, chicken, hamburgers and all the other requisite fare for a 4th of July get together. It wasn't a huge gathering. It didn't need to be. I was reminded by the smiles on peoples faces and the stories they told why I have made these people a part of my life and why I am so very fortunate that they have made me a part of theirs. Some of them I have known for more than ten years. Others less than two. All of them are truly wonderful people and my life would be that much worse for not having them in it.

07/03/07 - hollywoodstartrash.com

2007-07-03T12:00:00.001-07:00

Today we continue exploring H. L. Mencken's axiom that "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

Hollywoodstartrash.com sold an empty can of gourmet dog food, a used toothbrush and a Coke can from the Paris Hilton's trash.

These items went for a combined $661.

Insanity.

I can't tell the people who payed for those items how to spend their money and I'm sure they can afford such luxuries as "Celebrity Trash" but I would hope that they could find a better conversation starter than an empty Sierra Nevada Pale Ale bottle - Empty (lot 59, May 31st).

A fool and his money are easily parted... but what about a fool and someone else's trash?

American fascination with the Rich & Famous is a long and storied history including the television show exposing the "Lifestyles", but this is simply too much. The site guarantees that "all items shown were taken from the trash bins outside Paris Hilton's Hollywood home." If I were a savvy Celebrity Trash collector I would want a more solid assurance than a line of text printed on the internet. Has the refuse been authenticated by the Sanitation Collectibles Department? Do you get a Certificate of Genuine Glitterati Garbage?

Until Beckett comes out with Guide Book for Celebrity Trash I just don't know how you protect your investment or make sure you don't overpay for that junk.

07/02/07 - Larry the Cable Guy

2007-07-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have never understood why anyone thinks this guy is funny. I've seen clips of him from when he performed as Dan Whitney (his birth name) and he was just as unimpressive without the accent and hick attire.

It's been said that "no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." Well it's been a while since that's been as shockingly evinced as this weekend.

PAWNEE CITY, Nebraska (AP) -- A local microbrewery has launched a beer for one of America's most recognizable rednecks: Larry the Cable Guy.

Git-R-Done beer, named for the comedian's famous catchphrase, was launched Saturday by SchillingBridge Winery & MicroBrewery, from the small town where the 44-year-old actor-comedian grew up.

Git-R-Done wasn't funny the first time I heard it and it hasn't improved much over the millions of repetitions. Naming a beer after his catch phrase is as crass as "Larry"'s act and just as cynical.

I can only hope that one day all of America will turn their back on the "Blue Collar Comedy" ethos and embrace a truly evolved sense of humor.

Like these guys.

07/01/07 - The Wedding Lush

2007-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Being the wedding lush is like being the mark at a poker game. Look around the room. If you can't find him.... it's you.

Well I found him just fine and it wasn't me.

I did the responsible thing and got fucked up BEFORE the wedding. In the parking lot.

That way no one had to suffer through a slow and steady decent into incoherence and groping. Just the groping.

06/30/07 - Eagle Vs. Shark

2007-06-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

*this Nay contains spoilers.... for example... this movie sucks. Don't see it.*

I spent the bulk of Napoleon Dynamite wondering if anything was ever going to happen. About five minutes into Eagle Vs. Shark I saw the tell tale signs and realized that I was in for another film where absolutely nothing happens.

That's not entirely true... but the events that transpire in Eagle Vs. Shark are so mind numbingly slow in their arrival and pointless in their execution that you actually wish less had happened. The big finale was so telegraphed I actually threw my hands up in the theatre.

It's a shame because there's about half of a really good film in there somewhere. The film is beautiful to watch. Loren Horsley was incredibly effective as the insanely imperturbable Lily, who for unexplained and completely baffling reasons has fallen in love with Jarrod (played by Jemaine Clement, one half of the New Zealand 'folk comedy' duo "Flight of the Conchords"). Imagine Napoleon Dynamite ten years later and perhaps a litter darker with a giant chip on his shoulder. That's it. That's the movie. An awkward but basically sweet (to a fault) girl falls for a guy who's a complete and total wreck of a human being. He can't function with his family. He barely functions with his friends. When the universe deposits a sweet, caring and attractive partner in his lap he can't even manage to function with her.

I refuse to accept films like these as "slices of life" because the characters are so outrageous that it's simply unbelievable. So that leaves me searching for why the film was made. It's possible that the moral of the story is delivered by Lily when she assures Jarrod that "it doesn't matter" that he's a loser. Eerily similar (or is that irritatingly?) to Napoleon Dynamite the message seems to be that as long as you can find at least one other member of the opposite sex who will deign to sleep with you then you shouldn't be bothered by the fact that you can't interact socially in any meaningful way.

If that truly is the message (as it seems to be from my perspective) then shame on the filmmakers and on every self congratulatory social misfit who identifies with these outcasts as heroes. Jarrod complains that a bully who used to beat him up in school has "ruined his life" while glossing over the fact that he has a 9 year old daughter he never sees. I imagine that fact will be lost in all the guffawing at Jarrod training to beat up his former tormentor decked out in ridiculous clothes in even more ridiculous locales sporting even MORE ridiculous weapons.

The bar for what makes a movie a "comedy" seems to have been set insanely low. A few quotable lines and a pathetic character obliviously setting themselves up for eternal mockery is all it takes to garner not only critical acclaim but also the love and admiration of moviegoers everywhere. While I laughed out loud at a few moments and lines I spent most of the film with my mouth open trying to figure out why I hadn't walked out twenty minutes in.

For the record Eagle Vs. Shark was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival.

06/29/07 - Robert J. Kosilek

2007-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was raised fairly liberal. My parents taught me from a young age to accept those that were different and to have compassion not only for man but for all living things. A lot has been made lately of sexual confusion and transgendered issues. I honestly don't know what to make of all of it. I was born a man, I'm attracted to women and I've never felt any differently. I do know what to make of this particular case.

Robert J. Kosilek strangled his wife in 1990. He claims he did it in self defense after she poured boiling tea all over his man bits. He is serving life in prison.

Now he wants a sex change on the grounds that he suffers from "Gender Identity Disorder" (or GID as future pharmaceutical adds are sure to call it). The prison system is refusing citing the security complications. Would (s)he be housed in a male prison facility or female? Would (s)he be at risk of sexual assault either way? In addition there is the medical cost and the legal cost of preventing him from acquiring the surgery, all of which is footed by taxpayers.

"An Associated Press review of the case, including figures obtained through Freedom of Information Act requests and interviews, found that the Correction Department and its outside health care provider have spent more than $52,000 on experts to testify about an operation that would cost about $20,000."(CNN.com, AP)

In addition to the rising cost of fighting Kosilek in court, Kosilek has twice attempted to commit suicide testifying in court that "I would not want to continue existing like this."

I have sympathy for Kosilek if he truly is struggling with Gender Identity...

But that's just too fucking bad for him.

If his disorder is related in any way to murdering his wife then perhaps he should be held in a mental facility. He should NOT be allowed to bully his way into a surgery that will, at best, mollify his inner demons regarding his sexual identity. If life is truly so hideous as a man... then perhaps he should be allowed to end it.

I hesitate to diminish the agony of transgender individuals or dismiss their pain but it seems to me that plenty of people deal with the unhappiness of exteriors that don't match their interiors. Kosilek, regardless of emotional distress, killed his wife and has been sentenced to a life in prison for it. I don't think depriving him of a sex change operation is as "cruel and unusual" as his supporters claim.

06/28/07 - The Beckhams

2007-06-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

If I never hear another word spoken about either of these to yo-yos it will be too soon.

In January Beckham signed a 5 year deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy and MLS worth a reported $250 Million (including endorsement agreements). He's expected to make his debut with the team some time in July. It's been five months of talk and press about an athlete who is only famous in OUR country because he's famous in other countries. Alexei Lalas (Galaxy GM) claims that that, when he arrives, Beckham will have a higher profile in the United States than Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan. Pshaw.

I don't know anything about "Football" so I can't make any qualitative statements like "David Beckham isn't half the player Romário de Souza Faria was." I DO know that I'm sick and tired of hearing about David Beckham. Good, bad or otherwise.

Then today I awoke to the news that Mrs. Beckham and her Spice-Pals will hit the road for a Spice Girls reunion tour.

Kaloo kalay.

We've also come to learn that the Beckhams (Becks and Posh) are bosom buddies with the Cruises (TomKat). I don't know what's worse... listening to David Beckham's voice or listening to a bunch of grown ups refer to celebrities by obnoxious nicknames.

Whether it's talking about his hair or her "band" or their new house or Cruise purchasing the Galaxy... it's all just gobbledygook about things that may or may not happen and can't possibly live up to one tenth of the hype.

Even when David has joined the Galaxy and Victoria is on her 11 city "worldwide tour" the sun will still rise on those of us who don't care and aren't willing to get excited about it just because there are legions of foreign teenagers who will.

06/27/07 - Us Weekly

2007-06-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

I've never purchased a subscription to Us Weekly but I'm not above buying one in an airport for a long flight or grabbing one in a dentist waiting room. If I'm a house guest somewhere and there's a copy lying around I might be persuaded to thumb through it and it always makes for decent reading material in the Water Closet.

More often than not I can't make it through the whole thing without a snort of disgust at some of the "revelations".

"Celebs... THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!!!"

This week however US Weekly wants the AP to know that they have standards.

Us Weekly editors have had enough Paris

Heiress won’t be on mag cover or even mentioned inside this week’s issue

“When it came down to it, the staff and I felt what I believe a lot of people in America are feeling. Which is just enormous Paris fatigue,” US Weekly Editor Janice Min told The Associated Press on Tuesday.(Associated Press)

Janice Min can shove it in her ear.

Who on earth does she suppose makes Paris Hilton a celebrity??? Certainly not the New York Times or Washington Post.

It's magazines like US Weekly that create and fuel interest in people like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. If the editors want to shift focus away from those that are famous simply for being famous then I applaud them... but to announce it as news or as a public service is so smug and self aggrandizing it's laughable.

In fact it's counterproductive to the purported cause. Even when they're trying to save us all from "Post Paris Prison Pall Syndrome" they can't help but talk about her. Shame on you Janice Min and all your smug editors.

It's no surprise when the media turns on it's subjects and seems to revel in tearing down the same Golden Calves that they themselves were worshiping just moments before but in this case it's even more disturbing. To cease reporting on Paris Hilton just as she's starting to make statements (scripted and facetious or not) about maturity and eschewing her decadent lifestyle does a disservice not only to journalistic integrity but also to anybody who might possibly benefit from exposure to the kind of mentality Ms. Hilton seems to be promoting.

06/26/07 - Germany

2007-06-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm no fan of Scientology.

I may not feel as strongly about the "Church" as some but I certainly don't think they're anything more than a cynically avaricious group of liars and thugs who will do anything to capitalize on the misery and suffering of their fellow human beings.

That's how I feel about a lot of religious institutions.

I'm usually pretty happy to see my opinions on the matter mirrored by pundits or journalists but Bundesrepublik Deutschland has once again overreacted to what they perceive as a religious threat.

"Germany has barred the makers of a movie about a plot to kill Adolf Hitler from filming at German military sites because its star Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, the Defense Ministry said on Monday."-CNN.com(Reuters)

Bravo krauts. Bravo.

If the German government doesn't want to recognize Scientology as a religion (they don't) that's one thing. To prevent filming on military bases simply because the star (and co-producer) belongs to an organization they deem to be a cult is patently ridiculous.

If the Bundeswehr (German military) had objected on some National Security principle or concern over the disruption of day to day affairs that would be one thing. No such complaints were lodged (to my knowledge... which is admitedly limited).

The plot of the film revolves around Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, leader of the unsuccessful attempt to assassinate the Nazi dictator in July 1944 with a bomb hidden in a briefcase.

I should think that Germany would welcome any and all attempts to shed light on the fact that there were plenty of Germans who despised Hitler and risked (and lost) their lives trying to undo him.

Sadly... they have decided to shun Cruise and his production... because they do not like his religious affiliation.

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

On a lighter note... I can think of one justifiable reason to ban the production from ANY nation.

Bryan Singer is directing.

06/25/07 - Bong Hits 4 Jesus

2007-06-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm getting old.

Ten years ago I would have probably been squarely on the side of the kids in this issue... but now that my physical age is catching up with my "crotchety" nature I'm just disgusted that this had to wind up in front of the Supreme Court.

In case you don't follow "The Court"...

"The case started in 2002, when the Juneau-Douglas High School in Alaska let students cross the street to watch the Olympic torch pass on its way to Salt Lake City. As TV cameras rolled, senior Joseph Frederick and several friends unfurled the infamous banner, thinking it was, according to Frederick, "meaningless and funny," just a way "to get on television." But the school principal was not amused, and when Frederick refused to take the banner down, she suspended him for 10 days. Frederick sued the principal and school for violation of his free speech and won in the lower federal courts, but the Supreme Court accepted the case on appeal."-Time/CNN.com (Reynolds Holding)

Joseph Frederick sounds like a lot of guys I know and god knows I love a good useless joke like this but suggesting that his first amendment rights were infringed upon is ridiculous.

I hate to sound the favorite anti-liberal war cry of "Damn the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals" but up until this goofball's case reached them every other court upheld his suspension.

The dissent in the case (voiced by Justice Stevens and joined by Souter and Ginsburg) was on the grounds that "BONG HiTS 4 JESUS" couldn't be regarded as encouraging illegal drug use because it's a nonsensical statement devised to get the students on television.

Garbage. That the parents of Frederick were willing to let him fight this ridiculous battle all the way to the Supreme Court is just insane.

He wasn't being chastised or punished for unpopular or controversial speech. He was punished for refusing to remove a ridiculous banner that was offensive NOT BECAUSE of it's content but because of the cynical nature and smug self righteous attitude that violated school policy and should have been at least mildly embarrassing to his family.

06/21/07 - Being A Great Big Fatty

2007-06-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

As those of you who know me can attest, I am a great big fatty.

I wasn't ALWAYS a great big fatty but I've certainly "struggled with my weight" over the years. Which is really just code for "I vacillate between great big fatty and mid-sized fatty."

Anyway I've committed myself to losing about 120 pounds and developing a healthier relationship with food so that I can STOP being a great big fatty and my little sister won't say I look pregnant anymore. Ten year olds. What are you going to do.

I digress.

The point is I've lost twenty pounds so far and I keep allowing myself to "fudge" on the rules of my new eating "program" because of my "success."

It's a huge pain in the ass to have to lose the same 5 pounds over and over again.

Plus my wardrobe is completely out of control. I have clothes for five different body types that I would love to wear again. Not to mention buckling seat belts.

I used to play hockey as much as three times a week and now I can't even fit into my gear.

If I could impart one bit of advice to anyone that cares... don't get fat. It sucks.

06/20/07 - Soledad O'Brien

2007-06-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Grizzled newsman Dan Rather recently had some choice words about his "Evening News" successor Katie Couric saying…

"the mistake was to try to bring the 'Today' show ethos to the evening news and to dumb it down, tart it up in hopes of attracting a younger audience."

Well I've got news for you O' Danny Boy…

CNN was on that bandwagon a long time ago.

For those of you without a television (hippies), Soledad O'Brien has been "doing the news" for nearly two decades. Not only is she a decorated journalist having worked for NBC, CNN, MSNBC and The Discovery Channel… she's also incredibly prolific at being a minority.

She serves on the board of directors of The Harlem School of the Arts. Most recently she was awarded the 2007 NAACP President's Award. Not only is she a TWO TIME honoree of Irish American Magazine's "Top 100 Irish Americans" but she is also on Black Enterprise magazine's 2005 Hit List AND she was awarded "Groundbreaking Latina of the Year" award by Catalina Magazine. She is a member of the National Association of Black Journalists and the National Association of Hispanic Journalists.

Where does she find the time and more importantly…

What has that got to do with anything?

Well on Tuesday November 14, 2006 María de la Soledad Teresa O'Brien was on Celebrity Jeopardy.

She flexed her geographic smarts correctly stating that, indeed, NORTH Dakota IS the state between South Dakota and Canada. Well done Ms. O'Brien.

She also correctly identified the largest city in New Jersey. Show off.

In Double Jeopardy she was able to tell us which "Isaac" was hit on the head with an apple and correctly answered all 5 puzzles in the category "Women & Song".

In case you think I'm being too harsh on her she also knew who invented the sewing machine and that "rabbit ears" refers to "antennae". Questions only a veteran journalist should know.

However, sadly, there was (much like young master Kreitz) one shining moment that made me scream out in righteous indignation.

Final Jeopardy.

"Of the 5 permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, the one that's the smallest in area"

per·ma·nent

–adjective

1.existing perpetually; everlasting, esp. without significant change.

That is to say…. The five members on the U.N. Security Council in 1991 (when Ms. O'Brien started working in New York, PERMANENT home of the U.N.) are the SAME five members today. I would expect EVERY SINGLE employee of CNN to know them.

In case you are an idiot they are

The United States of America, Russia, China, France and England.

These aren't hard countries to remember. There's not a single Bhutan or Kiribati or Tajikistan. Five countries every 3^rd grader has heard of.

And pray tell… which do YOU think is the smallest?

Russia? Why no actually… that's the single biggest country in the world.

China? The United States of America? Well depending on how you calculate it they're 3^rd and 4^th.

France is only the 48th largest nation in the world leaving…

ENGLAND!!! It's ENGLAND Ms. O'Brien. It's a freaking ISLAND!!! Clocking in at 79^th and less than HALF the size of their cheese eating surrender monkey cousins across "the Chunnel".

ANY professional journalist born after 1950 should be able to answer that question without even thinking about it.

Tarting up the news indeed.

06/19/07 - Andrew Kreitz

2007-06-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks Alice.

So... this is kind of petty and I suppose a tad unfair... but this kid just bugs the shit out of me.

His name is Andrew. Andrew Kreitz.

He was the runner up in the Teen Jeopardy Tournament in 2006.

I know. It was a year ago.

"The captain of the varsity water polo team, he was nicknamed "Professor" by his teammates. The aspiring lawyer was selected "Most Likely to Succeed" by classmates." Tuesday, February 7, 2006 OC Register

Honestly... tell me you don't want to punch this guy in the nose right now.

It gets worse...

"Among other things I'm a Civil War re-enactor"
-Kreitz, on http://www.j-archive.com

Seriously? Fuck this kid.

If you could invent a perfect Jeopardy! category, what would it be?
It would probably be MILITARY HISTORY CONCERNING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR. Strictly the military history without any of the political interference and postwar ramifications. also from j-archive.com

Nothing like ignoring politics and post-war ramifications in a civil-war to challenge the old noggin, eh Andy?

He is captain of Huntington Beach High's varsity water polo team and a four-year letterman; earned three gavels (for first place) in the school's Model United Nations program, including the North American International MUN Conference at Georgetown University; has an Advanced Certificate of Merit for classical piano (he has played since kindergarten); and he's fluent in Chinese (his mom was raised in Hong Kong). Thursday, January 19, 2006, OC Register

I'd love to say that it's just jealousy that made me hate this kid (who never did anything to me) but I have to admit it's more ridiculous than that.

I was watching the episode last year and it was in one moment that I made the decision that I hated him.

Here's what flipped the switch...

The Category : Great Brit

She's written 2 volumes of memoirs: "The Downing Street Years" & "Path to Power"

Andrew: Hm! Shoot. ...I really have no idea.
Alex: Well if you had thought about British prime ministers you might have come up with Mrs. Thatcher.
Andrew: Really. Hmm.
Alex: So you lost $1,000. I love your editorial sounds, though.

NO IDEA?! Then why did you ring in you twitchy freak? The fucking category was "Great Brit"!!! This kid's hack is supposed to be HISTORY. How many famous British WOMEN might have written a book entitled PATH TO POWER?! If you want to go to Harvard shouldn't you know that British Prime Ministers live at 10 Downing Street??? Hell... Thatcher's the only goddamn woman Prime Minister they've ever had and the longest serving PM since Robert Jenkinson, 2nd Earl of Liverpool!!!!

It should have been ME ON TEEN JEOPARDY!!!

*sigh*

06/18/07 - "Why?"

2007-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Generally speaking I think it's better to be intellectually curious than to be passive and take things at face value. One of my personal heroes, Socrates (if he ever really existed), is credited with the quote "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Other cultures seem to share this strong sense of philosophy as shown in the Chinese Proverb "One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever."

Even Thomas Jefferson seems to embrace the spirit of questioning everything "Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear."

But I swear to god if my two year old sister asks me "why" one more time I'm going to bust a blood vessel in my brain and sell her on Craig's List.

Don't get me wrong... she's adorable and about 5 years from now I'm sure I'll be extremely happy to help her answer all of life's really tough questions... like how is it that I'm 26 years older than she is.

But for now I don't think I can take much more of "why".

"Why you have boo-boos on your leg?"

"A dog scratched me"

"Why the dog scratched you"

"Because she jumped over the fence and was too excited"

"Why she was too excited"

"Because she spends all day tied up"

"why"

"Because that's what her owners do"

"why"

*sigh* "I don't know sweetheart... they just do"

"oh. Why you wear blue shirt today?"

Adorable. Really.